SEATTLE — A scheduled performance by Father John Misty was cancelled last night after the singer disappeared up his own asshole, according to the singer-songwriter’s management.
Those close to Father John Misty and first responders were unable to rescue him in time.
“It was a nightmare. He was about seven minutes into this rant about how his fans were supporting commercialized pop music when his upper body wretched forward, went down between his legs, and his forehead slowly started entering his own anus,” said tour bus driver Hutch Erikson. “As soon as his entire head got in there, I’d seen enough. I got off the bus and threw up outside.”
Throughout the incredible feat of arrogance, some members of the backing band tried in vain to pull Father John Misty out of his own asshole before it was too late.
“I just kept pulling and pulling, but it was like his butthole was a black hole and his head had finally passed the event horizon,” said drummer Pete Lazlow. “No matter how hard we tried to coax him out by reading his own interviews back to him, he seemed content to just hang out there.”
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Some would-be attendees of the show were surprised by the cancellation.
“This is exactly what I would have expected from a Father John Misty show — it’s half the reason I bought a ticket,” said longtime fan Carla Dowd. “I had never seen him live before, but I heard he once dislocated his shoulder on stage from patting himself on the back, and another time passed out due to lack of oxygen while laughing at his own jokes. You’d think he’d save something like this for the stage.”
Fans who have followed the musician for years, however, expected the disruption.
“We all know the risks of buying a ticket to see Father John Misty,” said fan Alex Rico, who has seen the prolific Stereogum commenter five times, three of which reportedly resulted in Misty fleeing to the safety of his own butthole within five songs. “I’m just sad I didn’t get to see his encore. Last time, he sat on a stool and posted snarky comments on Katy Perry Youtube videos for 20 minutes.”