Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck”
WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public today sporting an incredible physique and a voracious appetite for sex, Washington insiders confirm. “Tha…
Last Chick-fil-A Desegregates
HERITAGE, Miss. — Chick-fil-A announced its last restaurant to desegregate has finally done so, sources confirmed. “This brings to an end the long, arduous process… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Karaoke Night Sound Guy Rigs Mic To Electrocute Anyone Who Tries To Hit the Falsetto in ‘Take on Me’
Trump Softens on GWAR After Learning They Own Slaves
WASHINGTON — A recent federal investigation into the theatrical rock group GWAR regarding their mock execution of Donald Trump on stage has been called off… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Classic Rock DJ Hastily Throws on ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ Before Unwrapping Burrito
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local radio DJ Danny “Mustang” McGibbon quickly pressed play on Iron Butterfly’s classic 17-minute-long rock song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” before diving into his lunchtime… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Casino Throws Out Old Money at End of Day
Oh, You’re a Buckethead Fan? Name Three Items on the KFC Menu
Hey you. Yeah, you with the Chicago Bulls jersey and the nunchucks doing what looks like a robot dance. And is that the game “Clue”… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Music
Angine de Poitrine Ask Opener If They Have a Double-Necked Microtonal Guitar/Bass They Can Borrow After Gear Stolen
SEATTLE — French-Canadian experimental rock duo Angine de Poitrine scrambled to find replacements for their specialized instruments after their van was broken into, sources confirm. “The tour was going wonderfully, but then some jerk stole our stuff,” said guitarist Khn…
All-American Rejects Play Pop-Up Show During All-American Rejects Set
HAVERFORD, Pa. — The All-American Rejects played a surprise pop-up show during an All-American Rejects…
Drummer Accidentally Tosses Snare Into Crowd Instead of Sticks
BOULDER, Colo. — Zach Brinton, drummer of death metal band Putrefying Entrails, accidentally tossed his…
Classic Rock DJ Hastily Throws on ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ Before Unwrapping Burrito
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local radio DJ Danny “Mustang” McGibbon quickly pressed play on Iron Butterfly’s…
Imagine Dragons Tap the Wiggles and Raffi To Open on Upcoming Tour
LOS ANGELES — Imagine Dragons announced their upcoming nationwide tour would include supporting acts featuring…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…