NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his mail for him, “especially credit…
These liberals get upset over every little thing, even sucking dick. Everyone knows that sex shouldn’t be a safe space. I am a proud, red…
JANESVILLE, Wis. — An alarming analysis of several of Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper sandwiches has found that the popular vegetarian burger contained trace amounts…
Wow! You’ve just received an edible arrangement from your Aunt Elizabeth, congratulating you on the birth of your first child. What a truly kind, thoughtful…
MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab covered, emaciated, crust punk they…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Traveling gutter punk-turned inspirational teacher Marcus “Guru Hoagie” Sanders is directing followers worldwide to treat their bodies as if they were a…
Over the past few years we’ve called out, canceled, impeached, and even jailed some of America’s most toxic and evil people but we still have…
WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Local man Brian Davis was shocked and surprised yet again last night that Backslide, the bar he visited for the sixth…
DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are no longer learning firsthand about…
PHILADELPHIA — Your friend Bella Dubois is reportedly now back with her old band The New Babies, leaving you feeling like an idiot for all…
There’s a simple truth out here in the real world. ACAB! All. Cops. Are. Bastards! Point blank period. And when we say “all” we mean…
DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a long-running feud that won’t end…
It can be easy to become discouraged these days amid the drudgery of work and the onslaught of terrible news. This is why it’s so…
GENEVA, Ill. — Local man and self-described electronic leash cutter Lucas Roberts is now on a door-to-door journey to tell every American that he quit…
PITTSBURGH — Political punk band Anti-Flag surprised fans with a brand new album titled “In Oil We Trust” inspired by Iran’s bombing of Iraqi military…