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How to Talk to the Woman You Just Annihilated in the Pit

Dudes! Summer is right around the corner, which means one thing: Hot hardcore shows and even more hot girls in bikinis all over the dance floor. But this summer is going to be different, way different, because I’m pretty sure there’s a special lady just for you, just waiting to intertwine with your heart and your fists as you two-step onto her face.

But WHOA slow down there, champ! Not so fast. There’s rules to this game.

Say, for instance, you spin kick her face and it’s dripping with blood. We’ve all been there. Then she gives you that classic look like, “Wow, did you just break my fucking nose with your Samba?” I know, I know; you’re already in. But try to stay calm. Even when a girl is clearly into you, you can’t act like it. It’s a turn off. You gotta be cool. Our strategy: like a punk Criss Angel, pull a Kleenex from your cutoff cargo shorts and say something all girls love, like, “M’lady, can I reset your nose?”

Chivalry is not lost. Her septum piercing, on the other hand, is about 6 rows back.

But what if she’s pissed? Like for some weird reason she doesn’t appreciate the overly-aggressive hate-moshing that could lead to traumatic brain injury? Or even worse, what if she has a huge, scary skinhead boyfriend and they’re both coming your way? No. Worries. Mate.

You’ve done nothing wrong but express yourself through the mystical art of dance. Just do what any self-respecting punk would do and give them a flyer for your next show. Once she understands you’re the bassist for a two-piece grind project, she’ll ditch the zero and get with you, a goddamn mosh pit legend.

Who says you can’t run head-on into a relationship? You just need a plan. Now get out there and obliterate the ladies with your sickass windmills!