BURLINGTON, Vt. — Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today that he will put all of his unsold merchandise for sale on his Bandcamp following his…
WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party celebrated another milestone today in their continued effort to suppress left-wing politics following Bernie Sanders’ announcement that he was suspending…
WASHINGTON — Senator Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign earlier today in what can only be described as a national act of “socialism distancing,” according…
HERNDON, Va. — Local woman Melissa Chang was upset today by a 45-minute long, politically charged birthday wish video from Jello Biafra that she ordered…
A lot of people seem to have forgotten but there was a time when “The Anthem” meant something in this country. Specifically, that time was…
Austin, Texas — Local punk Michael Russell struggled yesterday to pick a T-shirt to wear while watching the Instagram live stream of local band Flower…
While isolating during the pandemic, it’s understandable to feel disconnected from other people. TO keep an air of normalcy, we must keep our interpersonal relationships…
ST. LOUIS — Exhausted grocery store cashier Adina Decker is anxiously awaiting the day the coronavirus panic-buying subsides and she can go back to just…
Coronavirus can’t melt steel beams, sheeple! Have you got that through your thick skulls yet? It must be hard when your cognitive functioning is fucked…
DORAVILLE, Ga. — Local Tinder user Brad Irwin claimed in his dating app bio to keep a minimum six feet between himself and others to…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Short-form mobile video platform Quibi has proven exceedingly popular among premature ejaculators thanks to its 10-minute show format, performance anxiety-ridden sources…
AVENTURA, Fla. — Local man Benjamin Eads tearfully crossed off “call Grandma” from his to-do list today after the COVID-19 pandemic took care of the…
Some people climb rocks for fun. Others pass time crafting needlepoint creations. Still, others like to observe birds. This last group is a bunch of…
ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention introduced new guidelines today to help quell the spread of COVID-19 by retroactively banning groups of…
BURBANK, Calif. — Local punk Janine Kirkwood achieved a personal milestone this month when she finally stopped being ghosted by Morrissey fans and instead is…