SEATTLE — Local man Brian Preston failed moments ago to covertly adjust his balls, accidentally drawing the attention of everyone within his eyesight, onlookers confirmed.…
CULVER CITY, Calif. — Former “Pimp My Ride” contestant and man currently living out of “the dopest Civic in SoCal” Russel Burns is begging the…
PHILADELPHIA — Protesters demanding an end to police brutality found themselves in an awkward situation today when they applauded riot police for mercilessly beating the…
Oh man, I shouldn’t have done that last Jaegerbomb. Or the seven before that one. Or those eleven Heinekens afterward. Shit. How did I even…
SEATTLE — Local punk Branson Jones died from multiple stab wounds last week after falling onto the pin side of his jacket during a session…
When you first start developing an interest in a band with a long history and vast discography, it can be intimidating to know where to…
BOWIE, Md. — The staff of Free State Digital are reportedly at their wits end over sales rep John Morris’s habit of microwaving, gutting, and…
In the days following Donald Trump’s election loss, droves of conservatives have left Facebook in favor of so-called “alternative” social media sites with Parler quickly…
WASHINGTON — Onlookers at the traditional Thanksgiving White House turkey pardoning ceremony were left unsurprised today after President Trump attempted to sneak his own name…
I’m a dedicated father, husband, son, and, thank my lucky stars, I’m even still a grandson! Boy howdy, I love each and every member of…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Music fan Laura Kesrick’s insecurities were confirmed yesterday after discovering an alarming number of favorite albums in the dollar bin of local…
Holy shit, your band just got offered a show! The biggest show of your bands’ young life, in fact. It’s a band you’ve heard of…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local man Charlie Miller made the bold decision today to only listen to canceled bands on Spotify in order to keep from…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local woman Amber Stevens is looking forward to a return of her favorite pastime of crying outside of bars again once coronavirus…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 13-year-old Damien Glass suddenly sprouted a pencil-line mustache yesterday moments into his first listen of Motorhead’s classic “Ace of Spades,” unreasonably…