Holy shit! Can anyone help me?! If so, GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I listened to Phantogram for the first time, and now I’m…
WASHINGTON — President-elect Joe Biden and his administration offered pizza today to any citizens willing to help move some boxes out of the White House…
Alright shithead, listen up. I put on my little song and dance about how much I like your band’s new single. I gushed about it…
WASHINGTON — National Public Radio parted ways with long-time “Fresh Air” host Terry Gross yesterday after the controversial Philadelphia radio personality asked guest U.S. Poet…
Marcy Playground, Harvey Danger, the Beatles. There are so many types of “wonders” in the music industry, but at the end of the day they…
DETROIT — Local YouTube guitar teacher Nita von Bismark quietly mumbled to her online students that she would put on a Jimi Hendrix documentary and…
Hey, Alexa? I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about how this Coronavirus vaccine is actually a tracking device created by the government to keep…
SAN FRANCISCO — The hosts of the Discovery Channel show “Mythbusters” reunited yesterday to test the myth that a man died by tasing himself in…
DENVER — Julian Rodriguez, guitarist of Black Sabbath tribute act Supernauts, fought back tears this morning as he purchased a Ryobi circular saw with his…
BETHESDA, Md. — Researchers at the National Institute of Health have found that the average American gets most of their health knowledge before clicking “skip…
Noted dildo opponent and serial killer cosplay enthusiast, Ted Cruz, is a serious man known for his steely resolve and uncompromising politics. He’s built his…
NEW YORK — Fox News commentator Tucker Carlson dedicated a segment of his show last night to telling his viewers that the Capitol building may…
I’m hardly alone in saying that 2020 was a less-than-stellar year. Instead of letting disappointment get the better of me, I’m more motivated than ever…
PACIFIC OCEAN — A male blue whale around 600 miles off the coast of the Aleutian Islands is reportedly ashamed of its five-foot-long micropenis, according…
Lately, there has been a lot of buzz about Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell somehow resembling a turtle. I personally have trouble comparing the two…