MIAMI — Proto-punk legend Iggy Pop removed the torso section from his hazmat suit yesterday, designed to protect the aging rocker from contracting COVID-19, concerned…
STRATFORD-UPON-AVON, England — Local punk and detestable rascal of ill-repute Bartholomew Alfraye expressed a most ghastly proclamation of ill-will today upon the members of the…
CHICAGO — Local punk Allen Prestigiacomo is now unemployed from home, thanks to Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker’s decree forcing bars and dine-in restaurants to close…
Did they cancel your band’s show this weekend because of the quarantine? Ah, stinker! And this was the one I was definitely, for sure planning…
PORTLAND, Maine — Residents of local punk house the Fire Trap added more tap water today to the house’s already severely diluted bottle of Dr.…
I got fired. Yeah, I admit it. I was fired BUT, I’m totally fine with it, ’cause that band sucked and I was gonna quit…
MINNEAPOLIS — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended not attending a local house show tonight to limit the spread of Fighting in the…
PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell…
FITCHBURG, Mass. — 32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds…
Dudes! Summer is right around the corner, which means one thing: Hot hardcore shows and even more hot girls in bikinis all over the dance…
WASHINGTON — Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders accidentally told former Vice President Joe Biden “nice set” after tonight’s democratic debate, an audio clip released by…
Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury would be a selection of…
ALISO VIEJO, Calif. — The And1 clothing company is introducing a new line of shorts crafted specifically for hardcore kids who never play basketball, multiple…
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Garreth Wilkes announced today that he will send a vicious death threat to his sitting…
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local frontman Spencer Wilt made an impassioned declaration to the Coronavirus “and other infectious diseases,” clarifying that highly contagious sicknesses of any…