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Band Breaks Quarantine to Meet Up Together, Talk Shit on Bassist

LOS ANGELES — Three members of local punk quartet The Herniated Dicks defied Los Angeles’ stringent coronavirus quarantine guidelines to meet up and rag on their bassist Johan Ivarsson, witnesses confirmed.

“I was walking my dog around Echo Park Lake with my mask on when I noticed a group of three people holding instruments, approximately six feet apart,” recounted recently furloughed massage therapist Kelly Ligon. “They weren’t playing their instruments, though — they were just laughing hysterically and miming playing bass, but with exaggerated, dumb facial expressions and stepping on rakes.”

The Herniated Dicks’ lead singer and rhythm guitarist Mary Lorriet confirmed that she and other members did not heed Mayor Garcetti’s advice of remaining quarantined until mid-July for the sake of, what she calls, a “spiritual emergency.”

“I know it was irresponsible, but shittin’ on Johan has become part of our weekly routine… and Zoom calls and FaceTime just aren’t the same when it comes to talking about how much of a dumbass he is,” explained Lorriet, who hasn’t had contact with Ivarsson since pre-quarantine. “This pandemic may have changed daily life for most people, but it hasn’t stopped J from taking his amp in for ‘repairs’ when he just forgot to take it off ‘standby.’ We have to stay on top of all the stupid shit he does before he can overload us with more.”

Group therapist Dr. David Ronson is urging bands to exercise caution when secretly ganging up on one member.

 

“In this time of self-isolation, any return to normalcy can do wonders for one’s mental health, so gathering to mock your idiot bassist’s inability to remember songs is infinitely tempting,” said Dr. Ronson. “But please, continue to quarantine, so we can reduce the chance of coronavirus transmission. Instead, try creative activities — like online puppet shows based around that time your bassist showed up to the venue at 10 a.m. instead of 10 p.m.”

When Ivarsson did not respond for comment, band members speculated that he forgot his email account password again.

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