BALDWIN, N.Y. — Eric Goldstein’s bar mitzvah celebration on Saturday was ruined by his older cousin Chris Meyers, who crowd-killed and moshed throughout the sacred…
Comrades, the time is nigh! In socialist circles everywhere (mainly Twitter and Reddit) there have been whispers of the final signs of capitalism’s impending collapse-…
MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local woman Elle Bautista politely feigned interest moments ago after brunch date Cris Zahn revealed that she “had the fucking craziest…
NEW YORK — Renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson publicly challenged the science behind the name of rock band 30 Seconds to Mars on Sunday night…
Having a calm, well-rounded discussion on the issues is getting more and more difficult every day. While it may be tough to see across the…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local grandfather Peter Cruz received a lesson in do-it-yourself ethics last night from his grandson, who explained basic DIY principles while inside…
CHESTERFIELD, Va — Local actor and improvisor James Elijah announced on Tuesday that he will delay a move to follow his dreams in Los Angeles…
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local delivery driver Mitchell Jenkins derailed a casual marijuana session on Thursday night after hitting a communal bowl with what witnesses called…
PLANO, Texas — Aging punk Jordie Farmer reportedly shaved down the sides of his back last night, creating a full torso extension of the mohawk…
Gun violence in America is an epidemic and a solution is needed. Gun control advocates recommend banning assault weapons such as AR-15s but let’s be…
TORONTO — Yoga enthusiast Melissa Christie discovered last night that her yoga mat had been used, presumably by one of her three roommates and their…
TUKWILA, Wash. — Tukwila musicians of all genres are mourning today after the town’s only competent drummer, Jeffrey Joyce, announced last night his intention to…
TUCSON, Ariz. — A local show’s merch line was held up last night for more than 11 minutes when aging punk rocker John “The Don”…
LOS ANGELES — Local goth Jenny Carlisle successfully subverted cosmetic trends earlier this week by having her asshole professionally darkened at a nearby salon, unenthused…
WORCESTER, Mass. — A grant application submitted by the University of Massachusetts Medical School for “the expressed intent of further gaining understanding in what the…