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Dear Scabby: How do I stick n poke something cool on my face?

Dear Scabby: What’s the best way to DIY myself a stick n poke tattoo on my face? Always wanted one, and i might as well do it myself. – DIYORHEPATITIS

Dear DIY or Hepatitis: Face tattoos used to mean you went to prison, or lived in a park or squandered your one chance to impress Beach Boys co-founder, Dennis Wilson, effectively leading you to channel your rage as a failed musician into becoming the gingham-clad leader of a death cult. Nowadays, a face tattoo either means you built your SoundCloud rap empire on a trust fund and stack of Xanax prescriptions or attended an Ayahuasca retreat on stolen land.

After nearly bleeding out from trying to use an electric toothbrush on my gums, I decided the safest option was to gather a few household items and convert my Crest SpinBrush Pro into a tattoo gun. Normally, a DIY tattoo is a great way to cut costs, but residual crust from my watermelon splash toothpaste made its way into my bloodstream while trying to fix the misspelling on an old “Arrowsmith” tattoo and I ended up having to spend $800 on Amoxicillin.

Dear Scabby: Dear scabby what’s the most appropriate approach when running out of mesh for my bong? -SCREENSINTOTHEVOID

Dear Screens Into the Void: I don’t know many adults that smoke out of bongs, so I assume you’re either a fourteen-year-old child of divorced parents or a grown man who doesn’t cut his toenails and has at least four Reddit tabs open at any given time. The simplest solution would be to shell out the two dollars and buy a new screen, but your frugal attitude tells me you’d sooner smoke shake out of an old Dr. Pepper can than give money to the local tobacco shop.

While there’s a small chance transvaginal mesh will stop your butthole or uterus from falling out of your vagina, there’s a much bigger chance it will get lodged into one of your internal organs and kill you, however, this small wire insert is a perfect screen substitute if you don’t mind the aftertaste. Material from your washing machine hose, headphones, and window screens are also suitable replacements that will leave your home in disarray, but you’ll be too high to care.

Dear Scabby: What’s the best BPA-free water bottle to sneak vodka into a show inside of? -BETHECHANGE

Dear Be the Change: The term ‘social drinking’ can be understood as an oxymoron because although it makes it easier to interact, it ultimately renders you completely isolated, unable to have sex without debilitating leg cramps, and leaves you trying to pinpoint the exact moment you became a slave to wine coolers. You might want to consider a healthier coping mechanism for dealing with social anxiety, like comparing yourself to others so you know which areas to work on.

Spirytus Rektyfikowany is a 192-proof Polish vodka that became my go-to drink once New York approved it for sale after realizing New Yorkers don’t drink enough, especially the Polish. When mixed with Tropicana, it becomes the perfect summer drink, except that it melts straight through most plastic and even non-plastic bottles, whereby I’m forced to use a collapsible military-grade BPA-free water bottle, which isn’t exactly discreet but it’s all I have until canteen technology can keep up with Polish distilleries.

Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected]

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