PEARL CITY, Hawaii — 15-year-old hipster Delia Park has fully transformed from an early fan to a harsh critic of her recently-divorced parents, having listened to them struggle privately for years before their marriage blew up.
“Mom and Dad used to fight about hardcore shit — like getting evicted, and habitual drug use — but it was all behind closed doors, where only I could see it. The emotions were so raw and out-of-control. It was special,” Park said while scrolling nostalgically through photos of their last miserable family vacation. “Now, they fight through Facebook in front of all their friends and family, and it’s always about something lame… like why I need a math tutor, or whose turn it is to take me to community service.”
Douglas Park, Delia’s father, responded to his daughter’s criticism.
“I will admit, I mellowed out a lot over the years: I finally got my drinking under control, and now, I just want to be the best father I can be to Delia. Her claims that my best days were when I was punching holes in myself are false — I was still figuring myself out back then,” the Park patriarch lamented. “As for her mother… she really just gets under my skin. But I’m not going to yell anymore. I speak my truth to her, and try to move on. If she wants to rub her new boyfriend’s money in my face, then that’s her insecurity.”
Park’s therapist offered some unique insight into the teen’s outlook on her parents’ current offerings.
“Delia’s at the age when one starts to use irony to relate to their parents — like romanticizing a favorite ’90s sitcom, or their respective decisions to decline primary custody,” said Dr. Henry Fowler. “Just last week, they argued in my waiting room about whose turn it was to pay for my services. When I asked Delia what she thought, she said this was another example of them ‘selling out,’ and that they ‘need to get back in touch with their roots.’”
Despite outward appearances, Delia remains hopeful for a return to the original angst and formative trauma that defined her childhood.
“Why not?” she said. “I mean, look at Alkaline Trio — the two main dudes are obviously still in love with the same dark, moody shit that’s kept them together for 20 years, even though one of them started fucking around with Blink-182.”