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Old High School Friends Excited to Hang Out, Talk Shit About Whoever Couldn’t Make It

EVANSTON, Ill. — A group of friends who have been “practically inseparable” since their freshman year of high school are looking forward to hanging out and talking shit about whoever can’t make it, confused sources confirmed.

“Me and my friends have known each other since 2004, and still hang out all the time. But about a decade ago, we fell into a habit of crapping on whoever wasn’t around,” said lead shit-talker Jesse Westbrook. “I’m really hoping George [Coleman] doesn’t show up tonight, because I’ve got some fucking tea to spill about that asshole and his so called ‘mental health issues,’” he added about his “best friend” of 15 years.

Individually, the group of friends all agree they struggle to imagine life without each other, while privately acknowledging that they often wish they could live without each other.

“Obviously we all changed a lot since we were 16… yet, we’ve remained friends way past the point where we still have anything in common,” said Ari Spencer, who actively tried to leave the group twice before. “I know it seems weird, considering all the disdain we have for each other, but why stop being friends at this point when we’ve only got 30 or maybe 40 years left anyway? Better to just ride this out with people I hate. Which reminds me — I need to update my will. Can’t have one of these turds giving my eulogy someday.”

Westbrook’s new girlfriend Julia Quarles was taken aback by the bizarre nature of his so-called friendships.

“Before I met his friends for the first time, he spent the 45-minute drive filling me in on nearly two decades of clandestine bad-mouthing,” said Quarles. “Later, someone announced that their friend Shane couldn’t make it, which resulted in two hours of incredibly cruel impressions of a limp he has because of a car accident where he almost died.”

Despite all this, lifelong Evanston resident George Coleman conceded his shitty group of friends is preferable to the alternative.

“Still, spending every weekend with a group of people you’ve grown to despise is preferable to finding new friends in your 30s like an absolute loser,” said Coleman. “I would rather die than go to a Buffalo Wild Wings and try to talk football with some divorced loser.”

At press time, Coleman was contemplating asking Westbook, his supposed best friend and a “useless, annoying douchebag,” to be his kid’s legal guardian should anything happen to him.