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Checkmate: My Drinking Is Supposedly Tearing Apart My Friends and Family but They’re All Here for My Intervention

Some people are able to drink in moderation. I’ve been told, on many occasions, that I am certainly not one of those people. So much so that my friends and family are here to give me an intervention. They claim that my drinking is supposedly ‘tearing everyone apart’ but there’s just one problem: if that’s true then why are they all gathered here today in one place with a unified goal? Huh???

Check and mate.

Look at them all. Just sitting here hugging and occasionally patting each other on the back as they share what must be some pretty painful memories. I dunno, I’m not listening. I’m in my thoughts trying to remember if hand sanitizer actually gets you drunk or if that’s just a myth. Like, for real, is that the same kind of alcohol as booze? Are there two types of alcohol?

How can they say my drinking has torn my family and friend group apart? We haven’t all been in a room together at one time since my graduation party. Sure, I got so drunk I wound up naked with my diploma up my ass, but it was a party! Plus, I worked hard for over five years to earn that diploma. Get off my back!

Okay, I’m listening now and I still don’t see what the problem is. I’m just hearing badass story after badass story of my epic awesomeness.

Ugh. They’re only focused on themselves. My mom even complained about the party I went to last weekend. It was just me and a couple of friends I had just met. It was real chill- in a small, exclusive spot where we could talk and actually hear each other (crowded places are the worst, ya know). We even had great supervision. The place was crawling with police officers and I didn’t even need to worry about Ubering home because they wouldn’t let me leave!

Why are my family and friends so selfish? You know what, though? People don’t change until they’re ready to and I just have to accept that. I can’t force them to better themselves no matter how much it hurts me. At least I can look around at all of them and appreciate how many people care about me. I mean, I must be doing something right, ya know?