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Report: It’s Starting to Look Like She’s Not Going to Follow You Back

Thanks for coming into my office today. Investing your time, energy, and emotions into a potential relationship partner is quite an undertaking. Effectively and efficiently choosing the right person to pursue romantically is of the utmost importance. We believe in using science and math to assist in this process, and with social media engagement statistics, identifying viable and interested relationship candidates in this manner is finally possible!

Let’s look at some statistics:

You (Josh aka @EmergencyFartz) have been on Instagram for seven years. In those years you’ve posted 2,537 times, followed 1,894 other Instagram users, and you have acquired 557 followers. Early yesterday morning you requested to follow a female who has posted 389 times over 8 years, has 17,543 followers and follows 46 users.

Okay so that’s not ideal. Like, it’s the opposite of ideal. It’s abysmal. So what other prospects are you looking at? None?! This is the one you banked all your hopes and dreams on? Okay so let’s move on from this one… what do you mean, ‘why?’

Alright them lets just recap. I just want to make sure I have this correct.

– You met this girl at a bar two weeks ago
– You were introduced by a ‘mutual’ friend who called you “Jish” (which is not even a real name)
– The two of you conversed for less than three minutes
– She is very attractive
– You haven’t had sex in a while

Have I got this all correct so far? Good.

– You used details from that brief encounter to find her social media using googling skills you never knew you had
– She had a private account so you requested to follow her
– Eight hours later you get the notification saying she accepted your follow request. She did not follow you back

And that should have been that. She didn’t follow you back. You should have let it go man! …but you didn’t, did you?

– You noticed she posted a photo from the bar the previous night. You commented “I was there!” and double tapped to like
– Four days prior to that, she had posted a photo of a dog wearing sunglasses on with the caption “Is it Friday yet?” You commented “haha nice” and double tapped to like
– And for good measure, just in case she didn’t see those first five notifications (including the original follow request), you liked a photo of her deceased grandmother captioned “missing you like crazy” and you commented a heart emoji

Does this sound like the self-assured, confident man you usually pretend to be around women? No! You look like an absolute moron. She’s probably already told all her girlfriends what a creep you are.

Way to go, Josh. Maybe next time you’ll read the signs and recognize when someone is not interested. Then hopefully you’ll make the mature decision to let that person go and do the adult thing and ask her if she has any friends she can pass you off on. It’s called dating as an adult, Jish. Grow up.

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