WASHINGTON — Presidents Donald Trump and Bill Clinton both denied reports today claiming they were backstage at Warped Tour ’97 partying and “checking out the fresh talent” with alleged pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, skeeved-out whistleblowers confirmed.
“I ran security that year, and at the D.C. show, I saw then-President Bill Clinton and real estate mogul Donald Trump trying to get backstage because their friend ‘Jeffy E.’ told them Warped Tour has the ‘sweetest lil’ peaches around,’” said security contractor Terrell Williams. “I heard those creeps joking that starting a band is the real way to ‘get ‘em young.’ They tried to blend in by wearing cargo shorts and Hurley T-shirts, but every girl they approached laughed at them. I remember one girl said, ‘You look like my dad, but even more gross.’”
A representative for Clinton quickly denied the accusations, while President Trump took to Twitter to defend himself.
“The corrupt left is always accusing me of sex crimes, and this is by far the least true. FAKE NEWS! I’ve never even met the Mighty Mighty Bosstones before!” tweeted Trump. “I was an Ozzfest guy. That was a fest for real working class Americans, and when I am reelected, I will bring Ozzfest back.”
Reel Big Fish frontman and Warped Tour ’97 performer Aaron Barrett recalled meeting both Clinton and Trump backstage.
“I asked Bill if he wanted some weed and he said, ‘Fuck yeah, I’ll inhale this time, too!’ and laughed hysterically. But Trump claimed he was straight edge,” said Barrett. “Later, when Trump asked me about stepping in to play bass, I casually mentioned I was worried his hands were too small to play… and he flipped out, screaming that he ‘knows more about bass than anyone.’ And then he tried to kick over a food table.”
Warped Tour was notoriously popular with underage female fans during its 25-year run, naturally attracting the attention of presidents, billionaires, pop-punk frontmen, and other sexual deviants.
“Yes, Lostprophets played Warped Tour one year. Do we need to bring that up again?” said amateur Warped Tour historian Eli Berringer. “Nobody ever wants to talk about the cool shit at Warped Tour; it’s always about the perverts. I am sick of talking about perverts every single day of my fucking life.”
At press time, despite video, audio, and eyewitness testimony to the contrary, the majority of Trump supporters believed the President’s denials.