FRESNO, Calif. — Beloved local crossing guard Leona Cardwell was fired Wednesday after committing her first error in nearly 20 years on the job when…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden purchased a Fender Jazzmaster and green Line 6 DL4 delay pedal yesterday in a transparent effort to…
MARIPOSA, Calif. — A camping trip almost turned tragic last week as militant vegan Sage Hellier nearly died when poisonous berries were the only vegan…
Chances are, you’re familiar with Daffy Duck. At time of writing, the funny fowl has been splitting sides over the course of an astounding 83…
TROMAVILLE, N.J. — Local woman Daisy Oliynyk finally realized yesterday following a breakthrough in therapy that she is in a relationship with the Toxic Avenger,…
CHICAGO — Local music aficionado Jeff Riley stands accused today of repeatedly sending unsolicited band recommendations to multiple irritated acquaintances, local authorities report. “This asshole…
MURRAY, Utah — Card-carrying member of both the NRA and Costco’s premium membership Greg Young was forced to leave the bulk-grocery chain this past Wednesday,…
MASPETH, N.Y. — Skull Valley frontman Jeremy Cesiro is worried his underage girlfriend would be put in danger by her returning to high school in…
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the nation are reckoning with a party-wide fissure over whether pineapple is a suitable topping for bootlicking, sending think-tanks everywhere scrambling…
Big day in my relationship! At a protest yesterday, for the first time ever my boyfriend cried in front of me. Emotional communication is extremely…
SEATTLE — City Council members announced plans today to use money diverted from the Seattle Police Department to fund a new highway initiative located in…
PORTLAND, Maine. — Local woman Dani Pineda has desperately hidden her humanity from her live-in boyfriend Aaron Adams by not shitting at all for the…
LONG BEACH, N.Y. — Veteran rocker Joan Jett is reportedly no longer in a committed, monogamous relationship with her longtime partner and genre Rock ‘N’…
AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new, statewide law today that would mandate each Texan to do their part to stop the spread…
It’s really tough to look at the state of the world today and see anything positive in it. With the COVID-19 pandemic showing no sign…