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Republicans Can’t Decide if Pineapple Belongs on Boots or Not

WASHINGTON — Republicans across the nation are reckoning with a party-wide fissure over whether pineapple is a suitable topping for bootlicking, sending think-tanks everywhere scrambling for up-to-date research.

“Listen, I’m from upstate New York. And we didn’t do any of that fancy, west-coast pineapple bootlicking stuff. It’s downright un-American. People think that Republicans agree on everything, but this is the great divide,” said Center for Traditional Values President Winston Stevens. “Growing up, when my Dad and I met a cop, judge, volunteer fireman, some guy who beat his children with a belt, or some authoritarian strong-man type leader, we would happily drop to our knees and start licking that delicious leather and rubber with no seasoning beyond the dirt it came with. It was perfect! And if it was good enough for that distant and abusive old white man, it’s good enough for us.”

Chance Turner, President of California’s Patriotic Youth Crusade, urged the party to accept changes.

“Yes, we all grew up with boring old Reagan-era boots to lick. We get it. But it’s OK to grow. Enjoying or not enjoying delicious pineapple while licking a boot isn’t going to own any libs,” Turner said from his parent’s summer home. “We shouldn’t be telling people how to live anyway. If I want pineapple while I’m showing an authority figure the respect they deserve, I’ll do it. Don’t like pineapple? Don’t lick one off your landlord’s boot. Easy. This ain’t some Antifa nanny state.”

While some are concerned the impasse threatens the GOP’s unity, governing bodies within the party think the argument is missing the point.

“While we would always love to agree on everything, we have to accept that times evolve. I mean, if we believed in the evolution hoax, that is,” said Wentworth Chandler, founder of the conservative think-tank Birch Project. “We need to all come together and be grateful that there are boots at all. And regardless of what is on the boot, all that matters is that it is in our submissive, authority-worshipping mouth.”

Senate Republicans were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy getting their boots licked by Senate Democrats to get a relief bill passed.