NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his mail for him, “especially credit…
JANESVILLE, Wis. — An alarming analysis of several of Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper sandwiches has found that the popular vegetarian burger contained trace amounts…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Traveling gutter punk-turned inspirational teacher Marcus “Guru Hoagie” Sanders is directing followers worldwide to treat their bodies as if they were a…
PHILADELPHIA — Your friend Bella Dubois is reportedly now back with her old band The New Babies, leaving you feeling like an idiot for all…
DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a long-running feud that won’t end…
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local slob Brian Helmes decreed today that the T-shirt he’s worn under his hoodie for the past 17 days is still clean,…
EUGENE, Ore. — Perpetually inconsiderate roommate Michael Chabot was thrilled yesterday to discover a giant pile of garbage in his shared kitchen, knowing he finally…
BOISE, Idaho — Ambitious music school graduate Fritz Stokowski took to the streets with flyers yesterday, advertising auditions for a new, drama-free symphony orchestra, bemused…
Lock. Him. Up. That’s what I wish I could say about Pete Buttigieg, but unfortunately, that dork is way too lame to be MY president.…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Civil engineer Daniel Barley obtained sole custody of ex-girlfriend Alicia Kressen’s parents yesterday during the dissolution of their relationship, completing a landmark…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Newly engaged and unnecessarily honest groom-to-be Blake Sorrentino announced at a dinner gathering last Friday that he is set to wed his…
SEATTLE — Two adult punk males repeatedly collided their heads together yesterday attempting to display dominance to impress a nearby female, sources amazed by the…