ARLINGTON, Va. — Punk lifers Jessica Greene and Mark Wallace set a new standard for punk baby names when they welcomed their healthy daughter, Mark/Jessica…
This is an American crisis of epic proportions. People, I need help and fast! A force of heavily armed, camo-laden federal agents have swarmed Portland…
TAMPA, Fla. — Local police officer Stan Barton has entered his sixth consecutive hour at Royal Ink Tattoo Studio, brainstorming the best way to cover…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local jokester Jeff Kessler’s impersonation of acclaimed actor Chistopher Walken last night was met with stunned silence, as it was somehow profoundly insensitive…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in 10th grade, is now employed…
SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest…
CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower curtain for murderers before going…
ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff’s deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local apartment last night before forcing…
LOS ANGELES — Australian commuter Daniel O’Connor spent $17 out of desperation yesterday during a layover at LAX for the worst sandwich he’s reportedly ever…
BLUFFINGTON — Roger Klotz, son of famed monster truck driver Edwina Klotz and former middle school bully, is “a fucking cop now with a gun…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local activist Kendall Spencer took a stand today against internet commerce titan Amazon by deleting her account and pledging on Facebook…
DAYTON, Ohio — Local romantic Colin Novak finally proposed anal to his longtime girlfriend Amanda Hale yesterday at the couple’s favorite tapas restaurant, in front…
NEW YORK — U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez became the first woman in the history of humankind last week to be encouraged to turn 35, the…