ST. LOUIS — Local man who is living with functional depression, Dan Sousa, surprised exactly no one after it was learned that he can’t even seem to display common symptoms of the disorder correctly, sources report.
“I’ve been having trouble focusing on anything really, and only seem to experience joy through occasional and fleeting sexual experiences that always leave me feeling worse after,” said the utter disappointment to everyone around him, probably. “I wondered if I might be depressed, but I’ve been there before and this time looks different. Like I’m still checking my mail and returning my parent’s calls and stuff, so I fully assumed I must just be a piece of shit fuck up who can’t concentrate for five seconds or focus on really anything. It turns out, I have functional depression, which offers the benefits of regular depression while still leaving plenty of room for everyone in my life to just be super mad at me for not wanting to go hiking all the time.”
Those close to Sousa report feeling similarly let down by his capability for showing up for most everyday responsibilities, despite not being motivated by literally anything at all.
“Overall, I’m pretty disappointed, but not really surprised. I mean, this is the same guy who still trudges through daily obligations like buying food, even while being heavily weighed down by an overwhelming feeling that there’s no point to doing any of this bullshit,” said friend on kind of a superficial level, Carrie van der Post. “Everyone knows that depressed people are supposed to lay in bed for three days straight and just listen to Elliot Smith and disappear from Instagram for a month at a time. The fact that he could fuck this up is just classic Dan, to be honest.”
Medical non-experts validated Sousa’s condition while still offering dismissive suggestions to improve his current state.
“Functional depression seems like the better option, and in many ways it certainly is, but that’s not to say that it doesn’t come with its own set of hurdles,” said guy who no one asked but just wants to chime in here for a second, John Debrewoski. “Sometimes, people with functional depression have too much on their schedules to exercise, do journaling, or even add a vitamin D supplement to their diets, which I do when I’m having an off day.”
Sousa was last seen feeding his cat, Muffin, while audibly considering that he can’t end his life for at least 10 years as it wouldn’t be right to leave the feline with no caretaker.