You’ve waited for what feels like hours. Your mouth is watering. Your nose smells the moist warmth of the starchy tuber. It’s finally time to…
COOKEVILLE, Tenn. — Cautious guitarist Samuel Tollins is almost ready to fart near his new Fender American Professional II Stratocaster after three months of being…
Hey. Hi! Yep, you’re reading the sticker over my left nipple correctly. It says “BLOOD DONOR HERO”. I made it myself. I’m not usually one…
SARASOTA, Fla. – 6th grader and budding musician Wyatt Backstrom announced that he was stepping away from the Squier Strat he received for Christmas for…
LAS VEGAS — Radio rock stalwarts The Killers apologized to fans yesterday morning after realizing that they missed an obvious, optimal rhyme in their legendary…
FORT WORTH, Texas — Recent newlyweds and longtime couple Darren Oltowski and Denice Landry have recently begun dabbling in perfunctory, boring, and banal acts of…
I know that not everyone is going to agree with this decision, but the council of straight edge elders has spoken. After much research and…
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Self-proclaimed “experimental indie” band True Friction are horrified to see that their “Related Artists” tab on Spotify is populated by pop-punk and…
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Metallica lead guitarist and wah pedal enthusiast Kirk Hammett couldn’t remember if he is supposed to go to James Hetfield’s mansion…
LONDON — Bedroom post-punk musician Rob Davidson begged listeners to use headphones while listening to his latest EP, apparently unaware that he would be fortunate…
LONDON — Virtuoso violinist Hans Kriegsman came to the difficult realization that he plays in a glorified cover band while performing Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of…
The music industry is cruel and brutal. Naive people attempt to find stable careers only to find out no one wants to pay you for…
RESTON, Va. – Lifelong punk and diehard Dischord Records fan Meredith Jozak questioned the legitimacy of her beloved Minor Threat merch beer koozie after reflecting…
CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — Hopeless romantic Stevie Knightson recently imploded his entire social life by profusely expressing his longtime admiration for pal Irene Debcott, ashamed…
NEW YORK — Local man and person exploring his kinks for the first time in his life, Jaden Brantz, reported that he was incredibly disappointed…