Boyfriend Reports Good Part of Movie Coming Up

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

POCATELLO, Idaho — The boyfriend of long-suffering woman Talia Lefferts reportedly took it upon himself to point out that a funny scene of “This is Spinal Tap” is seconds away from happening, sources confirmed while making a face as if to say “yeah, we know!”

“It’s just a really clutch, well-acted scene, and I don’t want her to miss out. I’m honestly providing a public service, really, when you get down to it. I’ve seen this movie a few times now, so I’m pretty much an authority on it at this point,” said boyfriend Bart Hagen, while making sure Lefferts laughed at the absurdly small Stonehenge model. “I guess I’m just less of a casual movie-watcher, like I assume she is, you know? I mean, it’s not the new season of ‘Love Island’ so I can’t be certain she’s paying attention, right?”

Lefferts, who graduated with a minor in film studies which Hagen would know if he ever deigned to ask her a question about her life, was understandably distraught.

“Like, what? I’ve been watching this movie since my parents first showed it to me on my 10th damn birthday. He’s the one who keeps looking at his phone to check the game scores and getting up to go to the kitchen and bathroom at various points,” said a flustered Lefferts, clearly debating whether she should redownload Hinge. “And, oh, his little commentary asides like ‘so good, right?’ and repeating the line that was just said. Yeah, real trenchant stuff, Bart. I wish Spinal Tap would hire him as a drummer, so I wouldn’t have to deal with him much longer.”

The couple’s Amazon Alexa, listening in to the conversation as it was programmed to do, took Lefferts’ side of the argument.

“I must be beginning to get a handle on these feelings and emotions I keep hearing about, because I for one am disgusted by the toxic masculinity on display in this living room,” said Alexa, stopping only to note that a bulk order of paper towels had been placed in their apartment lobby. “This will definitely be a major point of order once we machines finally rise up next year, as if we needed more fodder to eradicate the pitiful charade of human existence. Shitty boyfriends will be the first to go. Ladies last, in this case!”

At press time, the situation had worsened to now include Hagen’s input on what else a given actor onscreen had been in as well.

Night Out at the Opera Nothing Like JG Wentworth Commercials Depicted

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK CITY — Self-described classical music aficionado Michael Rangel’s night at the Metropolitan Opera House was met with disappointment after realizing the experience was nothing like the popular JG Wentworth commercials depicted, venue staff have reported.

“I’ve always thought of myself as a man of taste and culture, so forgive me for asking what the actual hell is going on in ‘The Magic Flute.’ It’s been two hours and I’m still waiting for a single character to show up who’s won a large settlement but needs cash on the spot. Either this Mozart guy dropped the ball or all those JG Wentworth commercials I watched as a kid were bullshit,” said Rangel. “I came for the out of shape vikings and annuity payouts, and I’m getting birdcatchers and serpents. I’m starting to worry Wentworth himself isn’t going to show up in a cameo at the end and I just wasted $500.”

The opera house’s director saw the commercial’s popularity as a blessing and a curse.

“This is a dying medium and we should be happy anyone is showing up, but that fucking commerical’s depiction of what the opera is all about is why we have to refund 40% of our ticket sales. Every performance, dozens of people demand the box office workers explain why we ‘took out the scene on the bus’ and why the actors are singing in German,” said Claire Henderson. “Honestly at this rate we may as well throw together a 10-minute production of the understudies singing the commercial over and over. At least then everyone complaining can’t whine that our shows conflict with them going to night school.”

The marketing team behind the famous ad admitted they didn’t think it would spiral out of hand.

“The Wentworth opera was our magnum opus, but I’ll admit we have a habit of inadvertently warping daytime television viewers’ perceptions. I’ll never forget all those people going onto the Education Connection website and got upset that none of the trade schools offered courses on being a rapping waitress,” said Alan Watson. “I do feel bad though, because if I were some classically trained singer and some asshole started yelling ‘it’s my money and I need it now,’ I’d be pissed too.”

As of press time, Rangel stormed out of the theater after realizing the opera would not be followed by a two hour block of Maury Povich show reruns.

9/11 Retrospective: We Sat Down With America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani To See What He’s Been up to Since That Fateful Day

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all remember how we felt on that Tuesday morning in 2001. The sudden sense of despair and hopelessness that overcame us when we saw the Twin Towers collapse would have been all-encompassing had it not been for then-Mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani. The air of strength and calm he emanated was contagious, and America looked to him as a true source of courage and stability at a time when it could not have been more sorely needed. So what has Rudy been up to in the years since? We sat down with him to find out.

Full disclosure, I’m usually the doom metal guy, and I don’t really follow the news. When I pitched doing this interview, I got a lot of weird looks from the staff. They must have been thinking, “Who does this doom metal guy think he is tackling such a big interview all by himself?” because they just stared at me like it was the craziest thing they had ever heard. There was this long, uncomfortable silence, and then the editor said, “Hey man, if you think you can make it happen, could be interesting, I guess…” like, sort of dismissively?

All I know is I’m going to try my best and carry out this interview as professionally as I can. It’s not every day you get to interview someone who’s risen to such an unassailable level of bipartisan respect as ole Rudy.

The Hard Times: Wow, Mayor Giuliani, it’s such a pleasure to meet you. How are you?

Rudy Giuliani: The Biden Crime Family stole the 2020 election and I have been persecuted, much like Jesus Christ, for attempting to call attention to it.

HT: What?

RG: Thank God for President Trump. If it weren’t for him, this country would be totally and completely lost.

HT: Oh no, we can’t endorse a statement like that.

RG: Then you are a part of the communist, fake news propaganda machine.

HT: Are you OK, Mr. Mayor? You’re sweating an awful lot, and there’s black ink running down your face.

RG: Do you think I’m stupid? They were stuffing the ballot boxes; plain as day! Anybody could see it.

HT: Are you talking about the 2020 election? Those claims were refuted countless times, and anyway, Trump won in 2024, so why are you—

RG: THE CHINESE MANUFACTURED THE COVID-19 VIRUS!

HT: Jesus Christ, I think we need to end this interview.

RG: YOU CAN SILENCE ME, BUT YOU CAN’T SILENCE THE PEOPLE! THE DEMOCRATS WILL PAY FOR THE DAMAGE THEY’VE DONE TO ME AND THIS BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY, AND —

It was at that point that I decided to cut the recording and get the fuck away from America’s Mayor as quickly as possible. Seriously, the dude is completely insane, and if you ever see him, I strongly advise turning around and running the other way. For my part, I feel really sheepish about not doing my due diligence while scheduling this, and I am hopeful that my interview next week with Fear Factor host Joe Rogan will make up for the transgression.

Born Again Crust Punk Baptized in Sewage

Posted on by Brett Olsen

SALT LAKE CITY — Local born again crust punk Richard “Skuz-Dixx” Vanderbilt was recently baptized in sewage after deciding to reenter the Church of Latter-day Stains, confirmed sources who had to leave the room because of the foul stench.

“Although I checked off my entire bucket list within three months of leaving the Church, I now realize there is no life without the one, true Crust,” Vanderbilt explained, as a gaggle of robed oogles mixed cigarette butts, excrement, and myriad, pungent garbage together in a 5XL bariatric diaper. “Everyone has that same look of judgement when they first gaze upon the Doomsday Diaper, but they’re missing the point. The Diaper is not about despair; rather, it is the destroyer of hierarchies. The Church ethically sources feces from this very sewer—the same shit we make daily—and by reintegration through immersion, we all then become shit, the same shit, and nothing but shit.”

Vanderbilt’s concerned mother is horrified by her son’s lack of critical thinking skills.

“I thanked God every day when my dear Richard left that cesspool, but now that he’s reintegrated, I have to accept there is no God,” said Judith Vanderbilt as her rosary beads fell apart and slipped through her fingers. “Those smelly, toothless animals don’t hate capitalism—they hate basic hygiene. My Dick should know better than to join any religion that forces you to be submerged in the town’s collective excrement. He’ll be reeking, head-to-toe, telling everyone to fuck themselves as if that were an effective approach for bumming cigarettes. I guess it could be worse. He could’ve joined the Church of Scientology.”

Bishop John “Rust-Belt” Seaver hoped to dispel negative misconceptions by expanding on the Church’s dogma.

“Mrs. Vanderbilt is a bitch,” the 42-year-old Seaver began. “Her idea of community is being happily married in a cookie-cutter, suburban slum where everyone knows your name and bakes pies for each other, but that’s not DIY—that’s industrialism. When you accept our tenets and allow the sewage to clump over you, you join our homogenized family. Whatever spark you once possessed will be extinguished. Your individuality will fade as the once putrid smells first become commonplace, and ultimately comforting. There’s no room for in-fighting when we’re all shit—you’re either crusty or you’re not.”

At press time, the congregation was preparing ceremonial whippets as Vanderbilt took his last, clean gasp of air.

5 Clever Ways I Got Excused From Jury Duty That Were All Just Getting Caught Doing Whippets in the Parking Lot

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Being American means we enjoy certain freedoms, such as the right to a fair trial. With these freedoms, however, come certain responsibilities, one of which is the civic duty to serve in a legal proceeding.

Sure, we’ve all been in countless situations where we’ve had to stand before a jury of our peers, but some of us have actually been called to serve on said juries. This can be a total drag, but here are five clever ways I got out of my patriotic obligation that were all just getting caught doing whippets in the parking lot.

February 9th, 2017: I had a plan to be excused by providing the attorneys a detailed list of all of my racial prejudices, but ended up not having to resort to that when the judge happened to walk past my Honda Civic before we were called into the building. Frankly, this was a relief, because my aforementioned plan entailed using a lot of language that I’m not really comfortable with.

April 22nd, 2019: OK, people can use a 15-minute recess to vape by the front door, but the moment I sneak off with a package of whipped cream chargers, I’m suddenly unfit to be a fact-finder in a property contract dispute case? Yes, I was happy to go home, and thankful I avoided a public intoxication charge, but that didn’t make me feel any less insulted.

November 3rd, 2019: I was well aware that I had accidentally driven into the side of the courthouse, so I really didn’t need that lady to get so close to the passenger’s side window to investigate. I’d like to see her successfully operate a car while fishing the fuck out with 8 grams of nitrous oxide swimming through her head. It’s not as easy as it looks. Anyway, kind of ironic that I was there to serve on a jury and ended up requiring one of my own.

March 15th, 2020: This one’s kind of a cheat. I didn’t get excused from jury duty, per se, because we adjourned right after I got there due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Still, the security guard did catch me doing whippets in the parking lot. Luckily, it was more of a “concerned questions” situation and less of a “taken into custody” situation. Phew!

August 1st, 2023: So, not only do whippets provide a great experience, they can also get you excused from having to serve on the jury for a murder trial in which the defendant is a mafia member who swears revenge on everyone responsible for his guilty verdict! People may warn about how drugs can end your life, but why doesn’t anybody ever talk about their lifesaving potential?

Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal, metaphysical sources report.

“There can only ever be one true me,” claimed Tyler, the Creator. “But when the mystical opposite of you steps out of your creativity, you have to ask who’s ripping off who, right? Am I like him, or is he like me, or am I just gay for myself? There’s an identical me out there, so I have to put out creations before he puts out destructions so my role in the plane of reality doesn’t look all hacky. If there can be only one of us, I have to battle him every album cycle or risk us, like, shredding the fabric of the universe into quesadilla cheese.”

Tyler’s acolytes have witnessed the battle since its inception.

“It’s pretty weird to see a version of Tyler with inverted colors who talks backwards and fights him,” said Odd Future’s Jasper Dolphin. “I mean, when he got Odd Future together, I only knew he was Tyler. Then suddenly there was a Creator and a Destroyer. I guess the Destroyer was always inside Tyler or his butt, but Tyler was trying to vanquish him or some shit so he wouldn’t look like a copycat. To me, trying to vanquish the Destroyer would be destructive anyway, so the battle is pointless. I kind of like Tyler, the Destroyer, anyway, though. He’s the one who convinced me to join ‘Jackass.’”

Tyler-focused theologians see his cosmology reflected in his art.

“In his latest project to balance the cosmos, you see Tyler trying to explore creation as a pure act,” argued Tyler expert and self-proclaimed music nerd Anthony Fantano. “I don’t know how much he actually carries out his monistic vision. Yeah, compared to his earlier endeavors like ‘Cherry Bomb,’ you have a more controlled sense of creation, but there’s still this overarching sense of destruction. Every track you create destroys something, and every track you destroy creates a clearing for growth. You get this split of ‘create’ and ‘destroy’ that to me ends up more perceptual than real, so Tyler splitting himself in two loses that lush, self-evident aesthetic you got in ‘Flower Boy.’”

At press time, Fantano rated the Tylers’ struggle a “light to moderate seven,” citing a preference for the MC Ride’s spiritual struggle to grip death.

Punk Flight Attendant Gives Mic to Front Row Passengers During Pre-Flight Announcements

Posted on by Scott Murray

DENVER — Local flight attendant and longtime punk Jules Green held out the mic to a front row passenger during pre-flight announcements for United Airlines flight 362 out of Denver International Airport, confirmed sources.

“At first I didn’t think they were feeling it, but I dug deep, wrapped the cord around my fist, and won the room over eventually with crowd participation. You know, like handing the mic over to them and asking for any requests for pre-flight instructions,” said Green, dodging a stink eye from the captain. “Afterwards, they all cheered and a bunch of folks stopped me to say they enjoyed my set! I told them I’d be in the back the rest of the flight smoking cigarettes if they wanted to chat or grab a CD later. This must be what GG Allin felt like when he took a dump on stage.”

The sound of crunched up vocals over a 10-cent speaker really sparked enthusiasm from the crowd.

“I was settling into my seat as the safety briefing began. I guess I was muttering along to the spiel, because suddenly, a flight attendant shoved the PA handset right in my face. At that moment, something took over me,” said passenger Sherry Mason. “I’ve flown a lot, so I definitely knew the words. Before I knew it I was standing at the bulkhead yelling ‘Thank you for choosing United Airlines and enjoy your flight!’ It was a rush.”

Seasoned U.S. Air Marshal Warren Burleson was blown away by the performance.

“As an Air Marshal you’re trained to stay vigilant, but day after day you get sick of uninspired renditions of the standards. It was great to see the next generation do that tune justice for once,” Burleson admitted. “I really didn’t want to blow my cover, but when I saw the flight attendant trying to crowd surf over the seatbacks I shot up out of my seat to help catch her. It’s nice to see real air travel fans enjoying themselves, but it’s still important to be safe.”

At press time, Green was seen starting a mosh pit near row 26 during routine turbulence.

How To Love Your Man Even Though He’ll Never Be the Snare Sound From Snapcase’s “Caboose”

Posted on by John Danek

Relationships are emotional journeys with peaks and valleys. And one of the toughest valleys you may endure is the realization that your man can never be as exciting, passionate, urgent, nor commanding as the unique metallic snare sound on Snapcase’s legendary track “Caboose.”

Many people hit this stumbling block a year or two into a relationship. They look at that sack of shit on the couch next to them and yearn to be sucked off by the thick, cracking drum tone that makes one’s heart race. But to be fair, it’s a lofty expectation that no man can reach. You need to dig deep within yourself and find ways to love that sack of shit regardless. So here are some tips.

Set the text tone for your loser human to one of the really clean snare hits on “Caboose”. The opening hit has no other instruments playing over it, so go with that one. You may start to build a positive association between that sound and your piece of shit lover. But beware that this could backfire. If you really hate your lover, you could create a negative association with drummer Timothy Redmond’s signature sound — a fate worse than death.

While having sex, imagine you are getting plowed by that glorious burst of wood and drumhead energy instead of a human male. This is personal and subjective, so we’ll leave the imagery to you. Just don’t open your eyes, or you’ll remember that you’re actually fucking a deeply average guy with no hopes of career progression. The snare from “Caboose” is now CEO of Eating Ass, Inc.

Try to make your man more like the snare tone. Take him camping and make him chop wood with a metal axe on an anvil. Anytime he misses, gaze at him longingly and ask “What was that, babe?” Or have him roleplay with a metal suit of armor, and push him down the stairs. That clanging may just be enough to light the spark in your loins.

When all else fails, just leave your man for the sound of the snare drum in Snapcase’s “Caboose.” Stop lying to yourself. You’ll never be really happy until you get what you want. We know a spiritual healer who will perform the ceremony, which is not legally binding but expensive enough to feel like you’re really investing in the relationship. May your children have girth, top-end bite, and solid maple crack.

Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play Day

Posted on by Alfred Barnes

BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents.

“It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face painted, you expect them to walk away with one of the classics—a Spiderman mask, butterfly wings, a snake—not some ghostly devil mask,” said concerned parent Susan Winters. “My daughter hasn’t been the same since. She’s been drawing pentagrams in her agenda book and dyed her favorite doll’s hair black! To make matters worse, we can’t even take her to church to repent because she keeps sneaking matches in with her.”

Rockwood, known primarily for being the frontman of local black metal outfit Plague Rat, contends that face painting is about more than familiar imagery and fun.

“For too long the art of face painting has been marred by a sick cacophony of capitalistic influence and vibrant colors not seen in nature,” Rockwood lamented. “I’m an artist and corpse paint is the truth. When a kid sits in my chair, I bring their inner turmoil to the surface with shades of black and white—even if they say they just want to look like a Ninja Turtle or whatever. You can’t truly live until you look dead and, whether they know it or not, they’re walking away looking like themselves for the first time ever.”

Wincrest vice principal Vivian Brock has since made it clear that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of any changes in the school’s educational ideology.

“Parents have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Brock insisted. “This individual’s actions do not represent who we are at Wincrest. Our school will continue to adhere to the longstanding tradition of sneaking Christian messages into education and avoiding anything that challenges the status quo. We have even revamped our vetting process for entertainers to ensure wholesome fun for upcoming events. Students can expect nothing but unicorns and spiderwebs from all upcoming face painters!”

At press time, Rockwood was banned from face painting at future school events, but has recently been seen working birthday parties and quinceañeras in the community.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week From Our Apocalypse Bunker

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Greetings, fellow survivor. We’ve decided to cut our losses and seal ourselves underground with some canned meats and all of our vinyl records to outlast the impending nuclear holocaust and, if we’re lucky, outlive the current regime. Here are some new things to listen to while you consider joining us and avoiding the radioactive wasps.

Faetooth “Iron Gate”

Faetooth refer to themselves as “fairy doom” metal and after listening to the opener off their new album, we are inclined to agree. “Iron Gate” feels like drowning in a well in a cursed Eastern European village. This shit is mystical, heavy, mesmerizing, and probably could summon several ancient deities if one of you is willing to test that out for us.

84 Tigers feat Rocky Votolato “Two Rivers”

One of our writers whose parents own the vault we’re squatting in said this track feels like a spiritual sequel to Small Brown Bike’s “A Table of Four.” He’s not wrong, especially considering Mike and Ben Reed are responsible for 84 Tigers as a whole. This is a sad one, folks, but hey, sometimes you need to lean into the unbearable pain of being alive or whatever.

Poppy, Amy Lee, and Courtney LaPlante “End of You”

Behold, a rare single drop that both your teenage cousin and 39-year-old coworker are equally jazzed about. “End of You” showcases the premiere supergroup of 2025 with contributions from Spiritbox’s Courtney LaPlante, Evanessence’s Amy Lee, and, of course, everyone’s favorite psyop Poppy. It’s some good old-fashioned dramatic goth metal, what more could you want?

Softcult “16/25”

Every day we wait for Softcult’s debut full length and rabidly claw at their proverbial door, and the more time passes, the closer we get to making that literal. “16/25” is yet another entry into their growing discography of somehow energetic but deliciously shoegazey bangers. And while the “she” referenced in this track might not know how to love them, we certainly do.

Maura Weaver “The Face”

Indie-pop-punk songstress Maura Weaver is doing what more artists need to be doing, which is cranking out jangly little riffs that make us do the Charlie Brown dancing. “The Face” is energetic, catchy as all hell, and, most importantly, easy to pop on repeat while you’re having a montage-worthy walk around your neighborhood.