Fictional Mayors Ranked by Likelihood of Closing the Beaches After a Shark Attack
“It's a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a wonderful time!” To celebrate one of the…
Read More →
Dan Kozuh — Page 6
429 stories found
Rob Zombie Admits He Only Makes Movies Because He Ran Out of Horror Soundbites To Use In His Music
LOS ANGELES — Occasional musician and filmmaker Rob Zombie admitted that his foray into the cinematic arts was driven by…
Read More →
As the Owner of Your Small Town’s Only Pizza Place, I Pride Myself On Making the Shittiest Pizza Possible
In a world full of gourmet options and high culinary standards, I, Tony DeMarco of Tony’s Pizzeria in the middle…
Read More →
Mickey Mouse Fired From Disney After ‘90s Airbrushing of Him Smoking Joint Surfaces
GLENDALE, Calif. — Disney's beloved icon Mickey Mouse was unceremoniously fired after a decades-old airbrushed image of him smoking a…
Read More →
Metalhead Has To Donate More and More Blood Just to Get Buzzed Anymore
CHICAGO — Local metalhead and avid drinker Stephen Mullins realized he needs to donate increasingly larger amounts of blood and…
Read More →
Divinyls Finally Confirm Their Cryptic Song “I Touch Myself” is About Masturbation
SYDNEY — Iconic Australian rock band Divinyls ended decades of speculation when they finally confirmed that their hit song "I…
Read More →
Punk’s Girlfriend Puts on Henry Rollins Spoken Word Record Before She Leaves for Work So He Doesn’t Feel Lonely
NASHUA, N.H. – Rebecca Sanders, girlfriend of local punk Ben Stumpf, allegedly puts on a Henry Rollins spoken word record…
Read More →
Internet Detective Only Destroys Three Innocent Peoples’ Lives Before Never Actually Solving Case
PADUCAH, Ky. — Self-proclaimed internet detective Ralph "RurualSherlock" Jenkins managed to only wreak havoc on the lives of three completely…
Read More →
Ghost Hunters Swear They Can Hear the Rattling of Dead Punk’s Wallet Chain in Abandoned Denny’s
SAN FRANCISCO — A group of amateur ghost hunters recently declared they've captured evidence of paranormal activity in an abandoned…
Read More →
The Employees of “Empire Records” Ranked By How Likely They Are Still Working Retail
"Damn the man! Save the Empire!" These were the rallying cries of every spirited "teen" working at the fictional store…
Read More →