AURORA, Ill. — Local vegan pagan Lisa Wayne drew criticism yesterday for preparing a block of tofu as her sacrificial, divine offering during the annual…
JERUSALEM — Local punk and Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is reportedly running “an hour late, 90 minutes tops, bro” to rise at his own…
WASHINGTON — The entirety of the straight edge subculture is waiting patiently as a collection of hardcore elders draft their official stance on the non-psychoactive…
PIKE CREEK, Del. — A mysterious woman who left behind a half-smoked bowl at a party last night before rushing out the door is being…
LAS VEGAS — Descendents frontman and Ph.D. molecular biologist Milo Aukerman can pay off his remaining student loan debt after reportedly hitting a $42,000 jackpot…
There was a time when I hated our President. A time when I believed that billionaires were ruining the world and that vaccines didn’t cause…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Punk dad Tom Fogelberg watched proudly from the bleachers on Thursday night as his son Jaxon “completely and utterly sucked” at playing…
WASHINGTON — Special Counsel Robert Mueller released the full version of his first “Choose Your Own Conclusions” investigative report regarding the Trump campaign and Russian…
FAIRBANKS, Alaska — Obvious alcoholic and general mess of a human being Jerrold Long announced today that he will spend the entire evening, and the…
We can all agree the world would be a better and more logical place if more people had the scientific mind of the guy from…
OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage that offended all who gazed…
Dear Scabby: My X gf, the one who taught me that mutual resentment is a strong enough bond to keep two people together, made a…
LOS ANGELES — Singer Kelly Rowland surprised fans across the globe by dropping a surprise Nutrisystem infomercial on deep cable late last night, ecstatic sources…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Prolific noise musician Tyler Witbank was asked to leave his shared apartment last week for looping and repeating an argument with his…
What the hell? How did I get “Horny Moron” on a Care Bears quiz? There must be some kind of mistake! Look I know I…