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Straight Edge Scene Awaits Official Decree on What Stance to Take Regarding CBD

WASHINGTON — The entirety of the straight edge subculture is waiting patiently as a collection of hardcore elders draft their official stance on the non-psychoactive cannabinoid CBD, multiple X’d-up, camo-clad sources confirmed.

“This is the most important decision facing the straight edge scene since the Caffeine Doctrine of 1989,” said Stacy Foundry, who first claimed edge in 2016. “I hope they make a decision soon, because I heard CBD can help with migraines. There are some days where I can’t even get out of bed because of the pain… but, as far as I know, I can’t take CBD without being a sell out. That would be like stabbing all my straight edge brothers and sisters in the back — and god knows we don’t need any more songs about that.”

Despite glowing endorsements from medical professionals, many in the straight-edge scene remain skeptical.

“Yo, listen, man: I don’t even drink hemp milk, because that shit is for losers and druggies who ain’t got nothing better to do with their lives,” said 43-year-old straight edger Luke “The Kid” Boster. “I don’t want to hear any bullshit like, ‘Oh, it helps me with my anxiety, blah blah.’ Just do what I do, and avoid all human contact and live a life of solitude, where you occasionally show pictures of your record collection on Instagram.”

Pharmaceutical manufacturer Fermahexyde sent a lobbying firm to Washington in hopes of convincing the straight edge counsel to renounce CBD use.

“This could be devastating for us if straight edgers start using natural remedies. We make a ton of money off of these psychopaths: whether it’s Ritalin, or some pain reliever they go nuts for after a minor surgery,” said Fermahexyde representative Rustin Meyers. “It is very much in our best interest to keep CBD aligned with marijuana on the banned list of straight edge products.”

“We have big plans for getting deeper into the straight edge market with some tooth pain medication we have in the works,” Meyers revealed. “It seems most of them are OK with legal drugs as long as doctors sign off on them, so we’ll be targeting everyone with an ‘Out of Step’ tattoo hard in Q4.”

At press time, the council was playing Minor Threat’s ‘In My Eyes’ over a loudspeaker, signaling an imminent decision.

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