OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage that offended all who gazed upon it to a priceless, vintage pop culture artifact, suddenly envious sources confirmed.
“It hasn’t been easy waiting on this shirt to become vintage. Through the years, it’s been ripped, stretched, and drenched in every bodily fluid imaginable,” said shirt owner Henry A. Reid. “But all those judgemental looks and upturned noses were worth it. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes — figuratively and literally. I’ve dropped a fuck-ton of cigarette ashes on this thing.”
Reid admitted his repulsive-turned-trendy shirt has transformed his life.
“It’s amazing the way I’m treated, now that people view me as a fashionable man of experience and taste and not a sentient waste receptacle. Last week, a Starbucks barista threatened to call the cops because she thought I was doing coke in their bathroom,” said Reid. “And just yesterday, that same barista was complimenting my ‘badass Rancid shirt’ and asking if the Sriracha blob on the sleeve was a bloodstain from moshing.”
“And now, I’m going on a date with her next week,” Reid added proudly. “The power of the shirt, my dude.”
While Reid’s newfound confidence is undeniable, some, such as coworker Isabella Goodall, were unimpressed by the shirt’s authenticity.
“Henry came over to my desk one day and kept making references to his shirt until I finally acknowledged it. I thought he bought it at Urban Outfitters, because they literally sell a brand-new, vintage-looking Rancid shirt that is virtually identical,” said Goodall. “Henry got really embarrassed and pissed when I pointed that out… but, dude, it’s not my fault you wasted 20 years wearing this gross thing when you could have picked up an exact replica for $35.”
Undeterred, Reid is reportedly moving forward with his next fashion project: a pair of his uncle’s Zubaz pants from the ’90s, which he hopes to transform into “ironically cool.”