We’re at a crossroads here, and I don’t believe that social distancing is going to save us. Sure, I think the CDC has its heart…
FITCHBURG, Mass. — 32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds…
LOS ANGELES — Rapper Chet Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, tested positive for “full-body dopeness” this morning following a video update on…
NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his…
A fifty-two percent tax. I can’t get that figure out of my head. Fifty-two percent. That’s almost half my income. You see, I still believe…
CHICAGO — Local executive Reginald Dixon sent a company-wide email from the security of his HEPA-filtered panic room moments ago stating that the Coronavirus threat…
Dudes! Summer is right around the corner, which means one thing: Hot hardcore shows and even more hot girls in bikinis all over the dance…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement earlier today warning citizens to abstain from creating any new podcasts during Coronavirus…
WASHINGTON — Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders accidentally told former Vice President Joe Biden “nice set” after tonight’s democratic debate, an audio clip released by…
WASHINGTON — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe. Biden allegedly checked in with former President Barack Obama ahead of an upcoming debate to get his opinion on…
TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name was mentioned in an article…
Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury would be a selection of…
ATLANTA — Local emotional support dog and shivering, terrified Spitz-mix Bartholomew was forced yesterday to fly on a 5-hour commercial flight to Seattle despite also…
Cannibal Corpse is just as known for their provocative album covers as they are for their music. Due to our intense masochism, we ranked every…
BARLOW, Ky. — Local woman Roxana Carozza is entering her 20th hour of the dreaded “Midwestern goodbye” this morning, still inside her mother-in-law’s home and…