SAN FRANCISCO — Email marketing specialist Seth Samael, widely considered one of the most diabolical internet admins, was seen twirling his mustache and cackling yesterday…
CHICAGO — Local punk Allen Prestigiacomo is now unemployed from home, thanks to Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker’s decree forcing bars and dine-in restaurants to close…
I’ve always wanted to travel but it’s so expensive. Airfare, lodging, food; it all adds up very quickly. Anytime I saw those posts online about…
DETROIT — The operators of popular pornography site PornGash were confused and panicked last night when an actual local, horny MILF activated a profile with…
It’s 2020 and the labels that were once put upon people suffering from mental illness have fallen away. It’s finally okay to let people know…
ATLANTA —The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is urging people to give a “free pass” for intercourse between roommates social-isolating to contain the novel…
SEATTLE — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced today he is committing $10 billion of his vast personal fortune to completely eradicate the threat of coronavirus…
Between the pandemic, the quarantine, and now shutting down the border, you guys may never meet my girlfriend. It stinks too because even though she…
WASHINGTON — President Trump held a press conference this morning to drink a full cup of COVID-19, hoping the gesture will calm the nerves of…
Did they cancel your band’s show this weekend because of the quarantine? Ah, stinker! And this was the one I was definitely, for sure planning…
LOS ANGELES — Local metalhead Layne Medema spoke with a representative from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention hotline for well over an hour…
Before we talk about this I’m going to need you to sit down. No, don’t sit on that chair. That’s the one I broke because…
NEW YORK — The Carfax Car Fox TV mascot shocked the world this past Monday as the latest to be diagnosed with the COVID-19 virus.…
Sex education in America is deplorable. Public schools are still trying to teach abstinence as if half the students aren’t already boning under the bleachers…
HOUSTON — Confused guy and self-described “gym rat” Hunter Brooks habitually motioned today for a woman at a local Planet Fitness to remove her N95…