I don’t think any of you know what it’s like to touch the sky. To know what immortality tastes like. To conceptualize the infinite. I…
CINCINNATI — Old Spice announced today a new, all-in-one combination shampoo/conditioner/body wash/toothpaste, in their latest attempt to further their lead in the lower-middle-aged men’s grooming…
You Come Into My Guitar Store and Ask To Try a Les Paul on This, the Day of My Only Shift This Week?
You Come Into My Guitar Store and Ask To Try a Les Paul on This, the Day of My Only Shift This Week?
Well, well, well. So you stroll into this here guitar shop on a Friday and have the audacity to ask to try that Gibson Custom…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local punk Rachel “Puke Pig” Valentino left an adult bookstore yesterday ready to enjoy a nice, cold canister of nitrous oxide following…
Indie rock giants The Pixies have many classic songs about, well, we’re not sure. But what are their greatest anthems to Onanism? Those jams dedicated…
BATON ROUGE, La. — Convicted murderer and death row inmate Tanner Greene’s biggest regret in life is not becoming a cop before embarking on the…
First and foremost, we want to say congratulations President Biden! Well, moreso good riddance Donald Trump but six in one hand, half dozen in the…
DALLAS –– Two dozen members of the choral rock band The Polyphonic Spree are allegedly on Tinder looking for an “open-minded and multi-instrumented” 25th, confused…
OLIVETTE, Mo. — Siblings Freddy and Kevin Rosario have separately come to the unfortunate conclusion that quoting a “Plimpton Auto” ad from 2000 is the…
LONDON — Venerable heavy metal legends Iron Maiden announced they will hit the road again late next year and will feature a touring lineup consisting…
NEW YORK — Luxury sex toy manufacturer Bad Vibrations claims their latest dildo, which can’t maintain a full erection and smokes the user’s entire cannabis…
It seems like just yesterday those Trump-loving, dumbass crybaby MAGA bitches were clogging up my Facebook feed with racist propaganda, Ronn Swanson memes, and boastful…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dominique Martin was pleased to discover today that her total credit score was nine, believing this to be a good score…
Well apparently it’s “where we go one, we go alone” for me. Somehow, while my back was turned, my wife Linda became compromised by agents…
CLEVELAND — Local man Ryan Kaufman salvaged the majority of his unused best man speech yesterday after adding some minor edits to instead eulogize his…