SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Self-proclaimed author of the next great American novel Frank Trotsky recently came to the terrible realization that his “rock bottom” was going…
Astrology is pretty much the only thing on everyone’s mind nowadays. Unfortunately everyone kind of just gives in to the zodiac hand they’ve been dealt…
SAN ANTONIO — Multi-instrumentalist Eli “Smudge” Goodwin threw the entire local folk-punk scene into disarray when he tried to make ends meet by pawning his…
HEAVEN — Local benevolent being, God, ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting…
The other morning I woke up and was just in one of those moods where I was unwilling to try at all. I didn’t shower,…
BEND, Ore. — Local second grader Kevin Wood spent a day home sick from school and inadvertently imprinted on game show host Drew Carey as…
NASHVILLE — Local woman and occasional defecator Ingrid Fowler was shocked and alarmed to discover her boyfriend’s bathroom had just a few flimsy strands of…
Being from New Jersey is a personality trait, we get it. You think you’re special because you’ve never pumped your own gas and will physically…
HONOLULU — Local punk Joseph Green is looking forward to finally hanging out with friends in the alley during shows again now that the city…
You know what they say about casinos — the house always wins. And sure, the fat cats make a hefty profit out of swindling the…
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — A new study by Hofstra University has found that 100 percent of moms nationwide agree they’ve never said anything traumatizing to their…
Cops fucking suck. There isn’t anything new with that statement. But at least the douchebaggery that pigs dish out is on a linear plane of…
LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock musician Dave Grohl revealed that the surviving members of seminal grunge band Nirvana still sometimes get together to fight about…
Booking a show is one of the best ways to support and/or steal from your local scene. But where do you start? Can any idiot…
PITTSBURGH — The latest single by local punk band Dog Sniper used a sample of a “NBC Nightly News” telecast in a transparent attempt to…