NEW YORK — Vagabond crust punk Sheri “Tick Bite” Rowland was spotted outside of the Bowery Whole Foods store begging shoppers for “just $15 to…
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. OK, so I threw down 25 Gs on the puppy bowl. I did that. And I don’t want to welsch on…
MENLO PARK — Facebook has slowly unveiled a powerful update to their newsfeed algorithm which exclusively surfaces the most important posts a band makes: official…
CITY OF DIS, Hell — 78 percent of demons across the Netherworld experienced feelings of low self-esteem and body issues when subjected to the unrealistic…
SAN DIEGO — Daisey McKinley’s period asked her eyes and heart again this morning if they know when her white pants will be going on,…
Well, it happened. My girlfriend shaved both sides of her head which I assume makes us, and therefore me, bisexual. I’m no expert on modern…
VLADIVOSTOK, Russia — @DNCSorosTracker, one of the more successful Russian Twitter bots created to influence American elections, announced plans today to pursue a comedy career…
PONTIAC, Mich. — 55-year-old Juggalo Kevin “Klown Syndrome” Anderson is concerned young Juggalos won’t continue the positive Juggalo message created by his generation, sources close…
OI’ve had strong opinions about politics ever since I picked up a copy of the Dead Kennedys’ “Fresh Fruit and Rotting Vegetables.” The year was…
LONDON — Local steampunk Alexi Franklin was assaulted yesterday by fellow Pincham High classmate and noted steamjock Victor Gryphon, multiple witnesses confirmed. “He kept calling…
CHICAGO — Climatologists are blaming record-low temperatures for the steep decline in Year-Round Shorts-Guy populations, resulting in a massive shortage of exposed, hairy, mid-winter calves,…
NEW YORK — Progressive punk Otto Williams replaced the phrase “bum a cigarette” earlier today with “homeless person a cigarette” in an attempt to be…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — 13 ½-year-old punk Bailey Tolbert is in a “full-blown” midlife crisis, unsure what to do with the remaining years she has…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Alicia Lane is spending another long, slippery, water-soaked winter in her insufficiently winterized Doc Marten boots, friends close to the…
Enough is enough. When they came for my haircut (a slicked back undercut) I didn’t say anything. Yes, I know, it was a hitler youth…