Dear Scabby: I’m so sick of this cold weather. I wanna move someplace warm but I don’t know where to go, and all of my friends and family and my job are up here. How can I get through these last few weeks of winter weather? -FREEZING IN FREDONIA
Dear Freezing in Fredonia: You’re probably sick of hearing about polar vortexes and nor’easters and other “Game of Thrones”-esk terms, but it’s time to focus on the good things about bad weather. Did you know that UV rays are the number one cause of skin cancer, but thanks to your proximity to Lake Erie you’ll never even come close to seeing the sun from behind those impenetrable low-hanging masses of lake effect clouds intermingled with cereal factory smoke from Buffalo?
No one likes the cold weather, but you might be suffering from a type of depression that resurfaces during certain times of the year called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD!) While most people experience this during wintertime, some experience it in the summer, and an even smaller number of people claim to suffer from the disorder during both seasons, which is just a hip acronymic way of pretending you don’t have full-blown, year-round clinical depression.
Heat is a shrinking agent, and your brain is no exception. Don’t believe me? Why do you think Florida’s mayor is a right-wing crocodile in a 40-gallon hat? Why do you think Californians can’t master the culinary mystery of making a pizza without adding avocado and bean sprouts into the mix? Winter will be over before you know it, so in the meantime, try to relax, enjoy some 25 cent wings and take a day trip to the less impressive side of Niagara Falls.
Dear Scabby: I think I want to have a baby. My partner of three years does not. I don’t want to walk away from this relationship but am worried I will always resent her for this. What should I do? -BABY CRAZY BRO
Dear Baby Crazy Bro: Children born between 2011 and 2025 will be likely be referred to as Generation Alpha, which sounds more like a discontinued creatine supplement than it does a generation of future ass-eaters. Nonetheless, I understand your motivations for wanting to become a parent. Who wouldn’t want to watch little Addison or Karter or Hampton grow up to be a barista with a bad attitude or a fixed-gear bicycle repairman?
When people in relationships are too stubborn to give up and too tired to go on, they reach a compromise, which is the same kind of half-hearted agreement that gave us the erasable pen, the spork and the electoral college. If you lack the communication skills to talk this out on your own, you might want to see a professional. Couples counseling is a great way to help you establish clear goals and lets everyone know you’ll be single in four to six months.
The reasons you’re ready to be a parent are just as important as the reasons why she’s not. Your partner might have unresolved childhood trauma she’s still working through, in which case a child is a great outlet for that kind of inferiority complex. Who better to unload generations of bad parenting and self-loathing onto than a miniature carbon copy of yourself and the man who forced you into having a baby?
Dear Scabby: I’m in recovery and have reached the part where I have to make amends to the people I wronged. There’s one I’m really scared to make. Basically, I stole a CD from a merch table at a show and then blamed it on this other kid — and that kid got his ass beat wicked bad. Like, he had to get his jaw wired. So, now I have to return the CD I stole, which I don’t even have anymore, and also find this kid and apologize about the ass beating. But I really don’t want to do that cuz I think he’ll be really pissed. Any suggestions? -SUPER SORRY
Dear Super Sorry: This sounds super stressful, so you’ll probably want to have a drink beforehand to calm your nerves (what’s left of them,) but nothing too heavy. Remember, you’re in recovery. The next order of business is finding an FYE near you and grabbing that CD to give him as a sort of peace offering. He’ll probably appreciate the gesture, assuming he doesn’t use one of those pricey MP3 players or Zune’s or whatever else Silicon Valley is pushing these days.
Your apprehension is warranted, but this could be a cathartic experience for both of you. The next time its rains and his jaw starts to locks up on a vowel mid-sentence, he’ll have a fresh face to blame and you’ll have a clear conscious. Your commitment to the program is admirable, but if you really want to fast track your recovery, I recommend a movie that recently came out starring Joaquin Phoenix as an alcoholic called, “Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot.” It made me never want to see a drink or a movie again.
Ultimately, you can’t beat yourself up or get too lost in the details of an unalterable event. So what? You indirectly sent an innocent bystander to the hospital because you stole a CD that’s now either long gone or scratched beyond repair in a box at your mom’s house labeled “Jason’s Crap”? What matters most is that you’re here now doing the right thing, and I’m sure he’ll tell you that himself, assuming he has full mobility of his previously shattered jaw.
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].