Dear Scabby: Just a quick question for you. I feel really lost and out of place in college, and I don’t know how much longer it will last. I’ve narrowed down my two best decisions, and I need a little help deciding. Should I stay in college and graduate knowing I’ll never be able to afford a home while I swim in debt? Or should I spend the little money I have, get a van, and live in the desert until I fry to death? I figure with the first option, I’ll have better social standing, but the section choice is way more fun. What would you do? -FREAKING OUT
Dear Freaking Out: As a proud alumnus of The School of Hard Knocks, location: The Streets, I can’t exactly relate. I never went to college, but I once knew someone that did. He was in a fraternity, which is a Greek letter organization where like-minded undergraduate students engage in philanthropic activities, like arranging charity drives or forcing pledges to eat dog food as they slowly succumb to alcohol poisoning at the Sigma Chi ugly sweater mixer.
When applying for jobs, a college degree gives you that competitive edge over someone who didn’t receive a bachelor’s degree in Egyptology with a minor Bagpiping. However, higher education isn’t for everyone, in which case trade school is a great opportunity for people who aren’t necessarily “book smart” or “socially apt” to learn niche money-making skills, like operating carnival rides or becoming a cop.
Colleges pander to the “You can be anything you want” generation by exploiting students’ dreams for profit and providing them with tailor-made classes, thus flooding the market with vague and unnecessary jobs that ultimately create an abstract reality where we have less doctors and more Social Media Food Consultants. Stick it out another year and you can probably participate in VCU’s, “living in a van down by the river vagrancy program” for $700.
Dear Scabby: I just got dumped and my heart is broken. I can’t stop thinking about him and know I shouldn’t reach out but there’s so much I still want to say. How do you get over someone and keep from making things worse until then? -SAD AS FUCK
Dear Sad as Fuck: Create the illusion of change by cutting bangs. If this seems impulsive, just remember that they’ll grow out in a couple of years. To be clear, I don’t mean carefully angled, face-framing bangs cut by a professional. I’m talking, “Oh no, my kid got into the scissors again,” “Is she in a cult or does she live on a commune?” type of cowlicked atrocity that can only be remedied by time or a lace front wig.
Keep in mind that most men are shallow and tend to favor looks over personality, so you can rest easy at night knowing he probably just left you for someone more attractive. Ninety percent of heartbreak is ego death. Give it time and you’re sure to find another empty vessel of a man with beer holders for hands that you can use as a proxy dad to work through the unturned stones of your childhood.
Practice self-restraint by abstaining from calling your ex, reading their horoscope, and from using third parties to extract useless crumbs of information about their new life, sans you. People say that to get over someone, you have to get under someone else, but I find that just makes my rash spread. Instead, I prefer the saying, “Do you,” and by that, I mean copious amounts of masturbation that you can convince yourself is a healthy coping mechanism.
Dear Scabby: I’ve had this itchy patch on my upper thigh for like three weeks. What is it? -WEBMDEEEZNUTZ
Dear Web MDeez Nutz: WebMD says it’s either eczema or upper thigh cancer, but to me, it sounds stress-induced. Did you know that chronic stress can cause high blood pressure and lead to permanent heart damage, meaning you could drop dead at any moment? Did you know that stress has been linked to three different types of hair loss, one of which is trichotillomania, where you rip your own hair out because the weight of the world has been crushing you into a diamond since birth? Try and use this information to help you calm down.
A lot of people avoid talking about their health concerns because there is an unfounded and superstitious fear that talking about something somehow makes it real. This is not the case, and I am committed to de-stigmatizing the negative attitudes that surround rashes, allergies, bumps, warts, acne and any other really gross and embarrassing deformity you might have gotten from not taking care of yourself.
To save on time and money, I usually try to get all my health concerns addressed by one doctor, but there’s only so much an OB/GYN can do for a recurring eye infection. You’ll probably end up needing to see a dermatologist, which, contrary to popular belief, is not a person who administers dermal piercings.
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].