FALL CITY, Wash. — Local punk Todd McCloud took the annual purge, allowing humanity to succumb to its most criminal desires for a single day, as an opportunity to smoke inside of a Denny’s restaurant for the first time in 20 years, baffled sources confirmed.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed being able to smoke while I eat breakfast,” McCloud said. “When they said we could commit whatever crimes we wanted for a day, I knew exactly where I was going.”
The scene at the Denny’s was surprisingly sedate, considering the bacchanalian orgy of violence outside. According to those present, the restaurant was still full all day with truckers, off-shift bartenders, nurses, and mean-looking teens.
“We all just want to be left alone, man,” McCloud explained. “For 20 years, our people have been oppressed, forced to march a short distance from the door to enjoy a cig. Some of the kids here smoking are too young to even remember when we had the freedom to smoke in a Denny’s. It breaks my heart.”
A local man seeking shelter from the purge allegedly had to be convinced that the group of dead-eyed and disassociated Denny’s patrons were simply enjoying the lack of smoking restrictions that did not apply for the day.
“I admit, I just didn’t believe it at first,” said purge avoider Dante Rust. “Most other stores were boarded up for the purge, so I sure didn’t expect to find a fully functioning Denny’s. But I guess it makes sense — every Denny’s I’ve ever been in was staffed by people who don’t seem like they fear death anymore.”
At press time, McCloud, asked what he would do once the purge officially ended, claimed he would “…probably just chill here little while longer, since they can’t kick you out if you keep ordering coffee.”