OAKLAND, Calif. — Punk dad Mike Schreiner allegedly bribed a local community college admissions office with billions of dollars worth of exposure to help ensure his son receives a proper education, according to authorities.
“Listen, cash is worthless. It’s all about getting your name out there,” Schreiner explained. “They need to think big — long term. I’m helping spread the word about Oakland CC, or as I like to call it, ‘Harvard By The Bay.’ The exposure I can provide will help them get big.”
“Maybe one day they’ll blow up, and then they’ll realize it’s all because I gave them the equivalent of billions of dollars worth of exposure,” Schreiner added. “Sometimes, you might have to throw in some extras: sure, the admissions officer got an extra two drinks and a slice of pizza, but it’s a price that’s worth it in the long run.”
Indeed, Schreiner did not seem fazed by the illegality of his actions.
“As far as breaking the law goes… first off, eff the police, up tha punx,” Schreiner said. “And second, I gotta look out for my kid and get him the best education possible… without spending any actual money, obviously.”
Glenda Carey, the head of the registrar at Oakland Community College, was caught off guard, as this was the first time she’d ever been bribed.
“We don’t really get that type of thing here, being a community college and all… I mean, we basically let everyone in anyway,” Carey commented. “Our main requirement for admissions is just getting the forms in on time — and even that, we’re pretty relaxed about. But when [Schreiner] offered billions, I figured it was worth hearing him out.”
For his part, Schreiner’s son, Jacob, was shocked by his father’s actions.
“It makes literally no sense whatsoever,” Jacob began. “Like, I have a 3.9 GPA, and I got a crew scholarship to the actual Harvard. But my dad still insists I go to Oakland CC.”
“Oh, also? They don’t need ‘exposure,’” he added. “They have billboards, and commercials, and I’m on like 40 different spam email lists for them. This is pretty embarrassing.”
Unconfirmed rumors speculate that Schreiner also bribed the local Guitar Center with T-shirts, pins, and a “sponsored” post in his digital zine to secure his son a job for after graduation.