KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red chewing gum yesterday to distract…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected…
DENVER — A controversial new study conducted by “a gaggle of lame-ass dorks with like, basically two followers or whatever” erroneously claimed that there is…
SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and putrid couch cushion will be…
NEW YORK — Local punk Johnny Tolbert’s extensive record of good deeds and “random acts of kindness” are all simply court-mandated, law enforcement officials confirmed.…
TOLEDO, Ohio — A local punk church celebrated the addition of a new stained glass window today, commemorating the ultimate sacrifice made by 34-year-old Rosie…
CLEVELAND — Involuntarily celibate churchgoer Donald Bates resolved today that, in observance of Lent, he will abstain from all sexual interaction, changing absolutely nothing about…
OSLO, Norway — Local black metal frontman “Iscariot” allegedly saw nothing but his own shallow reflection in a Rorschach test administered yesterday by a psychiatrist,…
DETROIT — Local woman and anxiety-haver Amanda Hamilton was spotted yesterday weighing all possible options for her evening plans before ultimately deciding to do nothing…
PACIFICA, Calif. — Show promoters upset potential attendees last week by billing a show held in a garage at street level as a “basement show,”…
AUSTIN, Texas — Austin native Trevor Conley lamented the sudden cancelation of SXSW claiming the long-running tech, music, and film fest used to draw much…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Probation officer Morris Berger is the closest thing struggling punk band Muskrat Funeral has to a tour manager, according to sources who…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Nate Bolgren was completely unaware that the woman he attempted to flirt with yesterday on his evening commute home had…
ST. LOUIS — Former Vice President Joe Biden admitted earlier today that he hates to see Elizabeth Warren leave the race for president, but loves…
ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Sick, debt-ridden voter Roz Benoit doesn’t really love Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, but kind of really needs him to win to actually…