CLEVELAND — Involuntarily celibate churchgoer Donald Bates resolved today that, in observance of Lent, he will abstain from all sexual interaction, changing absolutely nothing about his current situation, noticeably aggravated sources confirmed.
“This was a tough choice, but I really feel like a vow of celibacy will bring me closer to God. After long discussions with my buddies on Reddit, we figured we could save face for a month and just pretend like we were swearing off sex on purpose,” said Bates. “It makes perfect sense: I mean, I’m a nice guy, Jesus was a nice guy — obviously, this is what I should do. Plus, maybe if I take myself off the market for a while, it’ll show all these Stacys that I don’t even need them.”
“But also, like… if any women are interested, I’m not really super religious or anything,” Bates added.
Fellow Cleveland resident Bethany Stevens met Bates recently during a happy hour at nearby Flanagan’s Pub.
“That guy was a dick. All he talked about was how high his IQ is, and asking if I wanted to see his van,” recalled Stevens. “After like, the fifth time I asked him to leave me alone, he just yelled that I was a ‘Stacy’ and something about how he ‘doesn’t fuck for Jesus.’ What the hell does that even mean? I just wanted to come out for a few drinks, and suddenly I’m being hit on, threatened, and evangelized all at once. Fuck this.”
For his part, Bates’ pastor, the Reverend Walter Jacobs, supports Bates’ ongoing celibacy.
“Rejoice. For tis’ holier to keepest thy snake inside thy tunic than to dippest of it in the sinful honey like an Ephesian, especially as they act like their honey is made of precious gold or something,” Jacobs recited to himself while staring into a mirror. “Weary is the disciple that indulges in debaucherous copulation, who should rather ‘tuck up’ to block the devil from thy genitals. Praise the O’ Lord, for these are your words. Because nothing else makes sense. I’m a good guy.”
Bates was last seen rewatching the 2002 romcom “40 Days and 40 Nights” and bemoaning that he’s “way nicer than Josh Hartnett.”