SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — 64-year-old captor Charles Lynn Gartner’s basement-dwelling hostages remain blissfully unaware of the global crisis happening right outside their cage, sources feeding them…
MADISON, Wis. — Local bald man Gene Zielinski is petitioning the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today, demanding they include hats as mandatory protective…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local activist/influencer/yoga instructor/Instagram model/spiritualist Lana-Ann Fink did her part yesterday to take a stand and inspire change on political and social issues…
PHILADELPHIA — Quarantined Bella Vista resident Zack Simmons is so desperate for any interaction with his fellow Philadelphians, he’s resorted to hurling D-sized batteries at…
GREEN BAY, Wisc. — Local punk and BurntBridge frontman Zach Maron live-streamed an intimate acoustic show on Instagram late last night with the belief that…
BROOKLYN — New Yorkers loudly applauded their appreciation for healthcare workers on the front lines of the COVID-19 epidemic again last night, unwittingly ruining bedroom…
GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last month, the seventh-grader quietly reported…
NEW YORK — The cast of “Sesame Street” joined the country’s leading scientists and health experts this weekend in a special episode that explains the…
WASHINGTON — Notable Alzheimer’s awareness organization Sundown Movement officially endorsed former Vice President and Democratic nominee Joe Biden this morning, stating the candidate “exemplifies their…
TRENTON, N.J. — 31-year-old punk William “Billy Club” Moore’s new model-building hobby is primarily just a socially acceptable means for the scene elder to continue…
HOUSTON — Local man Joseph Graciano spent the past 72 hours obsessively streaming “The Simpsons” on Disney+ looking for anything else that could portend doom…
SAN FRANCISCO — Pornhub saw a drastic spike in searches for “groups of more than 10 people” this quarter, the result of a new but…
Our country is teetering on the brink of oblivion. Governments are looking to dismantle our very way of life and revoke our rights from under…
WASHINGTON — The recently added census question, “What is your darkest fear?” has sparked confusion amongst citizens filling out the questionnaire, U.S. Census Bureau officials…
Like any responsible citizen I keep track of international news and, while this isn’t an endorsement of the leadership of Kim Jong-Un or North Korea,…