POMONA, Calif. — Aging punk Kelvin Obera hired a no-nonsense private investigator last week, trying to determine the exact time the headlining band would take…
IRVING, Texas — Senior ExxonMobil executive Robert Stone announced today that his company will donate millions of dollars toward rebuilding gas stations across southeast Australia…
MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab covered, emaciated, crust punk they…
WHITMAN, Mass. — Small town police officer Patrick O’Brien is looking forward to reuniting with old friends and classmates while they’re in the back seat…
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Local 14-year-old Colton Blewitt resisted the urge to tell his father he loved him today, fearing the declaration might be perceived as…
SAN FRANCISCO — Lifelong straight edger Timothy Sharp tipped $5 on a glass of tap water last night, thanks to his ignorance of bar etiquette…
CRANSTON, R.I. — Punk father and son team Jerry and Steve Pappas began work today restoring a mint condition 2017 Ford Econoline van to get…
DALLAS — Local punk Denny “Wart” Morrill surprised fellow Dallas Marathon runners yesterday by shitting himself at the very beginning of the race, leaving many…
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local death metal enthusiast Cooper Dempsey realized that the lyrics to Cannibal Corpse’s 1994 classic “Fucked With a Knife” might be a…
WASHINGTON — Legendary frontman and Airbnb Superhost Ian Mackaye was confused last week when a couple renting a room in his legendary Dischord House didn’t…
A Non Playable Character who seems mostly responsible for pushing around medical equipment in the background cut-scene of porter meeting his mom has told sources…
LONDON — “Black Mirror” show creator Charlie Brooker admitted today that he’s struggling to conceive of the scariest thing a rogue FitBit could do as…
TAMPA, Fla. — Supporters of indie rock band Under Capricorn breathed a collective sigh of relief today when abuse allegations leveled against the band were…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A half-built, dilapidated mini ramp in the backyard of aging skateboarder Roy Balderaz’s home is a lasting reminder of the strained relationship…
SALINAS, Calif. — Local punk Jack Hunter was upset yesterday in learning that he was being named Platt Electric Supply’s “Employee of the Month,” despite…