It’s stories like these that just break your heart. As a former smoker myself, I know how dangerous cigarettes can be in both a physical…
Abs: Everyone wants them. No one’s got them. Except yours truly. In today’s world, there just aren’t many people willing to put in the hard…
REVERE, Mass. — Misguided 43-year-old street punk Martin “Peanut” Landers announced today that he will be upping his cigarette intake to help himself lose 15…
All too often, health gurus and ex-partners will tell you that guzzling an endless stream of low-quality lager is incompatible with healthy living. I’m here…
Do you feel a lack of energy, motivation, and general wellness in your life? Sheeple out there will tell you this is due to tangible…
If you’re friends with a carnivore there’s a good chance that you’ve been accused of being preachy. You probably can’t even get together for a…
BOSTON — Local man, and person with little to no concern for his physical well-being, Travis Ligresti was spotted eating his fifth fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt cup…
HARRISONBURG, Va. — Local punk and obvious alcoholic Marcia Fries announced moments ago that despite consuming nearly a dozen cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer…
FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly…
LANDSDALE, Pa. — A guitar in the care of local musician Andrew Sampson is treated with more respect and dignity than Sampson’s own body, multiple…
ATHENS, Ga. — Local uninsured and ailing man Jordan Cohen announced today that he will “just give it a few more days” before seeking any…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Roommates at punk/party house the Snake Pit are reportedly growing alarmed by the complete lack of water intake by fellow resident…
Jeff Sessions’ crusade against marijuana is damaging to the American economy, harmful to our healthcare system, and totally blows chunks for the band 311. Sessions,…
LOS ANGELES — Anemic American and Etsy shop owner Devin Davies was seen this morning sorting a variety of personal, ironic supplements at Kindness &…
Irving Schumacher has seen a lot in his day. Born in 1899, the 118-year-old is America’s oldest man, but you’d never know it just by…