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How to Rid Your Body of Toxins Instead of Doing Something Real With Your Time

Do you feel a lack of energy, motivation, and general wellness in your life? Sheeple out there will tell you this is due to tangible reasons such as depression or a terrible diet. Well, those dummies are wrong. Your real problem? Toxins. If you eliminate the toxins coursing through your veins and body, all of your problems will be solved.

First we should answer a key question: what are “toxins”? While technical definitions exist, that’s not what we in the toxin-elimination industry are concerned with. We are talking about a much less concrete, scientific concept here. Toxins are abstract substances in your body which make you feel like a piece of shit.

Toxins are the reason your friends don’t want to hang out with you. Toxins are why you can’t pay off your student loans. Toxins are why Ashleigh won’t do you the honor of breaking up with you in person.

So how do we go about purging our body of this negativity sludge? Doctors will lie to you, telling that you have an “organ” named the “liver” whose sole “purpose” is to filter toxins in your body and “eliminate” them through your “excretory system”. Those doctors can also go fuck themselves. It’s like they’re purposely hiding the truth of essential oils.

Instead, let us look to the Patron Saint of Toxin Removal: Lady Gwenyth Paltrow. This benevolent angel travels the planet curing sickly individuals of all their toxins via her non-profit Goop. Via her teachings, we learn how drinking matcha tea and throwing turmeric in fucking everything can purify our body of society’s ills.

All it takes is a constant intake of select, expensive substances and our bodies will become saintly factories of organic farts. Yes, the cost adds up over time. But your children will understand that you tapped into their college fund for raw saffron- how else will you clear the youth-robbing toxins from your blotchy skin?

Never forget that healing our own bodies is not enough; we must also post on Facebook, sharing the good word of our pseudoscience instead of taking tangible action towards improving our lives.

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