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If Drinking Nothing but PBR Isn’t a Cleanse, Then Why Is My Piss Clear?

All too often, health gurus and ex-partners will tell you that guzzling an endless stream of low-quality lager is incompatible with healthy living. I’m here to tell you that this is a lie. It’s been a week since anything besides Pabst Blue Ribbon has made its way down my gullet, and I’ve never felt better. One needs to look no further than my refined crystal stream to see that my body is squeaky-clean and toxin free.

The first thing to remember on any journey to rid your body of all the malignant gunk you’ve pumped into it is to STAY HYDRATED. Therefore, choosing a beer that’s nearly identical to water is imperative to flushing out your system. The lighter and weaker the brew, the more quickly it will slide through your body and take all of that pesky pollution with it. This naturally makes PBR a perfect fit for anyone looking for a good purge, though I figure Rolling Rock or Keystone would work just as well if you hate yourself more than I do.

After only the second or third day, all traces of yellow had left my urine, and after the fifth some hair loss started as my scalp began to let go of all the pent-up poison stored inside of it.

Slamming a twelve pack per day provides a smattering of nutritional benefits not offered by other cleanses, or at least I assume it does based on the fact that the food pyramid we all learned back in kindergarten recommended more servings of grain than any other food group. It’s also an easy way to avoid all of that extra sugar that would come with guzzling juice instead.

There’s absolutely no reason that a clean and healthy lifestyle can’t go hand in hand with the exact same terrible decisions that I’ve always made. Ready for a change? Crack open a can and start cleansing!