NEW YORK — Local man David Treyborn realized today, while testing the flow of the new bidet attachment he purchased as a low-waste alternative to…
GLENSIDE, Penn. — A new report from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention states that a majority of American’s are still battling to find…
NEW YORK — Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation, amused…
ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp announced that the state will close hospitals, re-open bars, and “just let God do his thing or whatever he’s…
SAVANNAH, Ga. — Local punk Jake Stanton used a photo of a trashy apartment as his Zoom background yesterday to hide the true nature of…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local dad Craig Harper admitted today that the lockdown set in place to stop the spread of COVID-19 was really fucking up…
GENEVA, Switzerland — The World Health Organization released strict new guidelines today to help millions of people quarantined around the world avoid nomination for viral…
LOS GATOS, Calif. — A selection of various movie and television titles gave an ultimatum to the streaming service Netflix last week that if it…
ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp commissioned today the construction of a series of statues commemorating the COVID-19 virus as a way to “preserve its…
CARSON CITY, Nev. — Local quarantined woman Laura Lamont found a creative way to stay busy indoors yesterday by repurposing a bunch of broken glass…
LEXINGTON, Ky. — The long-forgotten can of Campbell’s Cream of Celery soup in the back of a local kitchen cupboard knew the day would arrive…
NASHUA, N.H. — Local record collector Scott Kilduff spent his entire stimulus check on a single Japanese import LP yesterday that he deemed more important…
Like so many of us, I’ve spent the last few weeks quarantined alone in my studio apartment with nothing but TV and my increasingly worrisome…
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — 64-year-old captor Charles Lynn Gartner’s basement-dwelling hostages remain blissfully unaware of the global crisis happening right outside their cage, sources feeding them…
MADISON, Wis. — Local bald man Gene Zielinski is petitioning the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today, demanding they include hats as mandatory protective…