Nathan Kamal
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HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid…
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Heather Cook
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NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local woman and dedicated shower pisser Esme Hill reportedly held her urine in longer than usual…
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Rick Homuth
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NAMPA, Idaho — A punk house dispute over fixing a carbon monoxide detector was abruptly resolved after every single resident…
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PEORIA, Ill. — Self-described wolf enthusiast Roy Greene immortalized his obsession with the animal since childhood in a hastily drawn…
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Hey you! Yeah you, the gentrifying piece of shit driving around in that planet-destroying truck. Hey, I've got an idea.…
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Patrick Coyne
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BOSTON — An allegedly cash-poor Dropkick Murphys irked fans by announcing that Arbor Day has always been one of “their…
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James Knapp
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RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a…
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Nyda Ahmad
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KANSAS CITY — Local slob Donna McKenny agitated her roommates again yesterday with her claim that the mounting piles of…
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Kyle Stanley
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KINGSTON, Jamaica — An ocean liner hosting the 311 Caribbean Festival Cruise struck a reef off the coast of Jamaica…
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Lauren Lavín
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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Anton Hochheim, the drummer of lo-fi surf rock band Beach Fossils, was found yesterday with four pounds…
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