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Your Truck Is a Gas-Guzzling, Atmosphere Polluting, Emphysema Causing, Planet Destroyer and I Need to Borrow It so I Can Move

Hey you! Yeah you, the gentrifying piece of shit driving around in that planet-destroying truck. Hey, I’ve got an idea. You should get in that massive carbon-emitting pickup that’s clearly overcompensating for something, stop blocking half the goddamn street, and pull it around to the loading dock of my apartment building, because I can’t fit my hemp futon in my Volt.

I am so sick of this city filling up with you yuppies coming here to build loft condos, artisan burger stands, and giant SUVs. So sick, in fact, that I’m moving to another town. Hopefully my next neighborhood won’t be filled with assholes moving in and taking over. However, I really do need help moving my big furniture because all my friends own mopeds, so I was hoping I could borrow your truck for a few hours so I can get the fuck away from people like you even faster.

Here’s some plastic bottles. How about you go throw them in the ocean for a few hours while I use the ever-depleting reserve of fossil fuels via your truck to deliver my dresser (which is made from sustainable materials, by the way) to my new solar-powered mini-home. Then you can go back to dumping medical waste behind a school or whatever it is you people do.

I can’t tell if it’s the exhaust that’s making me sick, or if it’s just the sight of you.

Oh, I also need to borrow your carcinogen factory on wheels next week to pick up my kayak, because people like you are going to make the sea levels rise so high that soon we’ll only be able to get around by boat. And I’m sure you’re gonna buy some giant smoke-spewing pontoon when that happens, which I will also need to borrow when it’s time to move my stuff further inland.

Also, can you give me a hand bringing my stuff down the stairs? I’ll give you some organic beer and cauliflower crust pizza.