WASHINGTON — Griffin Miller, a career contrarian and lifelong advocate of The Devil, has been tapped as Communications Director for The Devil’s administration, a senior…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Researchers at The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Department of Psychology have found that setup phrases such as, “News Flash, Dickhead” are overwhelmingly followed…
Black Woman’s Phone Storage Now 86% Messages from White Friends
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local marketing associate and Black person Imani Phillips found yesterday that her iPhone X’s storage is almost entirely full of overly supportive…
Chloe Sevigny Hanging Around Indie Film Set Just in Case
VAN NUYS, Calif. — Celebrated actress and seemingly constant indie cinema presence Chloe Sevigny was seen yesterday hanging around the set of upcoming film “The…
Annoying Drunk Girl at Show Now Just Annoying Drunk Girl at Home
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Mattie Foster, known for her drunken outbursts at shows, is now simply loud and wasted at home due to Los…
Midwestern Goodbye Enters 20th Hour of Inching Closer to Front Door
BARLOW, Ky. — Local woman Roxana Carozza is entering her 20th hour of the dreaded “Midwestern goodbye” this morning, still inside her mother-in-law’s home and…
Inconsiderate Straight Edge Roommate Drinks All The Mixer
POMONA, Calif. — Local straight edger Dave Bower drank every non-alcoholic beverage intended for use as a mixer last night during his roommate’s 21st birthday…
Opinion: I Prefer the British Version of the Office GIFs
Many people will tell you that the US version of the Office GIFs are better than their UK predecessors. Those people are simply wrong. Maybe…
BOISE, Idaho — A pointless, rambling political rant posted to Facebook by local man Terry Boe this morning resulted in mass casualties to his friend…
LOS ANGELES — Tensions remain high in downtown Los Angeles today after the discovery that a party bike was rigged to explode the moment its…
SAN ANTONIO — A friend informed you today during a visit to your hometown that she finally listened to Breaking Benjamin, a band you suggested…
PHILADELPHIA — Local woman Juliana Azzara passed the four hours waiting for her train last night by asking a man at a nearby dive bar…
Group Chat Really More of a Spectator Sport at This Point
SEATTLE — A “Buffy the Vampire Slayer Party” group chat has allegedly devolved months after Halloween into an increasingly incomprehensible conversation full of inside jokes,…
Opinion: I Love This Part!
Shut up, shut up, shut up! I love this part! Yeah, that bit right there. Dew, deeeeeew, dew da da da dooooo. Oh and then…
Time Traveler with Dire Warning Dismissed as Annoying Cybergoth
BOSTON — Time traveler and anti-robot resistance leader Trent Mendez, sent from the future to warn humanity about an impending artificial intelligence uprising, was dismissed…