SEATTLE — Conveniently opportunistic “cash only” bar Zoo Tavern allegedly also has an abnormally high $7 ATM fee, patrons who immediately left for a more…
It’s no revelation to say that most of the great comedies of yesteryear couldn’t be made today. The cultural climate is far too over-sensitive now.…
COEUR D’ALENE, Idaho — Grammatically correct person and all-around fucking showoff Eric Cyr responded that he’s doing “well” today after you’d already stated that you’re…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dominique Martin was pleased to discover today that her total credit score was nine, believing this to be a good score…
SAN FRANCISCO — A Novel Experience Bookstore owner Dale Severen was deemed “totally not legit” yesterday for lacking a dynamic selection of ancient texts and…
Old Family Recipe Unnecessarily Racist
BOSTON — Recently deceased grandmother Anita Reilly’s bereaved found yesterday a trove of family recipes, including one for a beloved, secret family soup that was…
Friend Skims Few Seconds of Album You Worked on for 9 Years
OLATHE, Kan. — Liz Barret, your close lifelong friend and one of the only people whose opinion actually matters to you, skimmed through a few…
Family Reports Home Invasion by Twisted Sister
MILWAUKEE — A feral hair-metal band identifying itself as Twisted Sister broke into the home of and terrorized a local family yesterday, ultimately leaving the…
Man Hopes Date Doesn’t Notice He Lied About Being Danzig
LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Dunklin secretly hopes his Tinder date Melissa Chavez doesn’t notice he lied about being Glenn Danzig on his dating…
LOS ANGELES — Ronnie Jordan, the bassist for Los Angeles glam-rock band Humdinger, reached out to his band’s lead singer Dikki Spitz via celebrity video-sharing…
GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, Ariz. — Amateur photographer Jim Wagner agreed to photograph a couple who recently became engaged yesterday if, and only if, they tag…
NORWALK, Conn. — Local punk and low-ranking member of his friend group Brandon Smith is reportedly completely unaware of his status in the hierarchical structure…
Fucking Liar Does Have CVS Card
HYANNIS, Mass. — Local man Kenny Gomez was outed as a “fucking liar” on Tuesday evening upon telling a pharmacy cashier that he does not…
Dog Can’t Believe They Allow Kids in This Brewery
MINNEAPOLIS — Local good boy Valentino was disgusted and appalled last week after an afternoon at his favorite brewery was ruined, thanks to constant harassment…
Man Listens to Everything Except Women and Country
MODESTO, Calif. — Local music fan Kenny Dillinger noted publicly yesterday that he is happy to listen to anything except for women and country music,…