PIGEON FORGE, Tenn. — Local mother Julia Smith assumes that her completely asexual daughter Andrea is actually a lesbian who has yet to find the…
Punk Pushing 40 Still Has a Few Good Years to Disappoint Parents
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Brian Hedges figured he’s still got a good 10 years to continually disappoint his parents with his life choices, his friends,…
“So, We Did a Thing” Say Zillow Executives Buying 643rd Home in Neighborhood
IRVINE, Calif. — Giddy Zillow executives announced in a Facebook post Tuesday morning that they were the proud owners of their 643rd home in one…
Jezebel Writer Can’t Wait to Ruin Succession For Everyone
NEW YORK — Jezebel writer Cara Olson has reportedly been ‘methodical’ and ‘giddy’ in her attempt to find something problematic about the critically acclaimed HBO…
Punk Jehovah’s Witness Wants To Know If You Have A Minute To Talk Shit About Jesus
NEWCASTLE, Wyo. — Local punk and Jehovah’s Witness Mike “Pitstain” Dawson took it upon himself to counterbalance the Jehovah’s Witness’ message by going door to…
MANHATTAN — Local heroes in a half shell The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are reportedly “totally bummed out” after rising rent forced them to vacate…
Drummer Excited to Premiere New Soundcheck Drum Solo
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local drummer Ethan Chambers was buzzing with excitement last night just before unveiling his new drum solo, specifically intended for soundcheck and…
SPOKANE, Wash. — An adorable bandana-clad dog seen frequenting the town skate park is rumored to be a human under a powerful curse from a…
Sorry I Haven’t Seen That Show You Recommended, the Idea of Having Something in Common With You Disgusts Me
Shit, no I did not get a chance to start that show you recommended to me, sorry about that. It’s just that I have a…
REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — A local woman’s conversation with friends was disrupted by a man who stormed across the bar to correct a statement she…
Fire Truck Being a Bit Dramatic
TORONTO — A local fire truck en route to a fire reportedly honked and blared its siren despite there being no vehicles obstructing its path…
GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Local punk Cris Martinson was recently honored by Forbes Magazine in their annual “30 People over 30 Who Need to Get…
REPORT: 40% Of Celebrities in Rehab List Singing in Car With James Corden as Rock Bottom
LOS ANGELES — A survey of celebrities in the most elite rehabilitation facilities throughout greater Los Angeles showed 40% of respondents considered appearing on James…
BELLEFONTE, Pa. — A customer at Quik Cuts Barber Shop cast an aching stare at a neighboring silent barber/customer pair while having his hair, and…
Man Mistakes Coworker’s Seething Hatred of Him for Inside Joke
MILWAUKEE — Delusional local man Rick Crawford is convinced coworker Mary Schneider’s barely-concealed hostility toward him is all part of an elaborate inside joke between…