BALTIMORE — Local introvert Katie Pidacter quietly hoped yesterday that no one would remember her birthday this year, in order to avoid the looming pressure…
Recently, The Hard Times met up with Craig Erickson, a new United States army recruit, an aspiring Mustang owner, and, this probably goes without saying,…
DURHAM, N.C. — Rising data entry star Stuart Carroll is hospitalized today following a freak tech deck accident, which doctors fear could mark the end…
DETROIT — A neglected Hoover WindTunnel vacuum currently stuffed in the front closet of notorious punk house The Slayboy Mansion is desperately yearning for the…
If you’re like me, the Super Bowl is the only football game you’ll watch all year. Maybe a coworker invited you to a viewing party…
PHILADELPHIA — Friend-of-a-friend and uninvited Super Bowl party guest Bartholomew Youngblood just wants everyone to know that the word “football” means something entirely different to…
Football season is drawing to an end, and millions of Americans are gathering around the tube to catch the big game. Fuckin’ sellouts. The NFL…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Perpetually pie-eyed local man Dominic “Mitch” Wozinski was invited last night by expectant parents Christine and Sam Pinner to unwittingly test…
MIAMI — Super Bowl LIV between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers was ground to a screeching halt today when the Arizona…
NASSAU, Bahamas — Pop/reggae fusion band Baha Men are hoping 2020 is the year Animal Planet finally incorporates their song, “Who Let the Dogs Out?”…
AUSTIN, Texas — Self-proclaimed anarchist punk Craig Garson, who once stabbed a police officer while on LSD, was flabbergasted last night by the latest episode…
A Wes Anderson film is a lot like caviar. It may not be inherently enjoyable on its own, but an astute connoisseur can learn to…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Friends of Terence Hart report today that his knack for ruining parties with his alcoholism has transitioned into ruining parties with his…
There is no way to tell John Mellencamp’s story without telling my own. And if his story is really a confession of sucking on chili…
LAFAYETTE, La. — Local guitarist and misanthrope Jeremy Waggoner joined his friend’s band Punted Child earlier this month to avoid any possibility of ever receiving…